Blog entry for:

for myself, in my fellowship, my family and society. moving forward from STEP 12 i am still at a loss about what i see as my filter for the next round of steps. as i have written before, this set of steps has been all about my relationship with the world around me, especially within my fellowship. the result has been a whole bunch of new people in my life, and at times what feels like an “over-involvement,” in the lives of those around me. when i step back and examine that feeling, i see that it just may be an artifact of the isolation i cultivated in my active addiction, after all, if one does not let anyone in, one does not get hurt. at the root of that is FEAR and less than stellar self-worth. FEAR is a feeling, low self-worth a defect of character that drives many of my shortcomings, including years of service on committees and conventions. no need to dwell there today, as i am becoming much more comfortable with my new relationship with the world around me.
i just took an online quiz, which more than reinforces that i choose safety over risk most of the time. sure when i was using the only risky behavior i never engaged in, was allowing new people into my life. the result of this aversion to risk was that i was alone and yes even lonely in my high social castle. when i cam to using, recreation and activities with those who were part of my life, well adrenaline and risk was the name of of the game. bigger, faster, higher and more fatal, was what drove m,e, and i thought it signified how “fearless,” i was. this whole trip through the steps, starting with the lie i was too broken to let anyone else in, has been an exercise in letting go of FEAR and becoming a person that is attempting to remove the shackles of culture and socialization, by becoming less dependent on outside forces and activities to define who i am. this journey was not fraught with nearly the amount of peril i once imagined. in fact the riskiest things i have done lately is start a course of treatment with the periodontist, to counter the notion i once had that my teeth were optional. oh yeah, and put myself out there for any new relationships as the pop up. the fact is, i am beginning to enjoy having folks in my life and actually give them the opportunity to become closer. the mantle of clean time that i could throw over myself, is no longer adequate to protect me from allowing those others to be a part of my life. the fortress of service junkie, i worked so hard to construct has crumbled and i am not working on replacing it.
life as part of this bustling, boisterous fellowship is what i desire most these days and just for today, i will do what i can to stay connected, be connected and be a part of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living.

∞ DT ∞