โ i spent much of my using time alone, avoiding other people โ
Posted: Wed, Nov 16, 2011 08:47:52 AM
especially people who were not using - at all costs, after all, it was all about looking like i was not an addict, long before i started to suspect that just may be the case.
anyhow, i am doing this between thoughts about the project i am wrapping up this week. as much as i like the steady paycheck and the stability of the daily grind, i still long for the days when i was my own boss, not a very good one, to get to this place, but my own boss nevertheless. i guess all those years of greater and greater isolation, created a person, who is certainly taking his time becoming a social creature. the irony here is, that in the beginning, the use of drugs made me very social, as i had to hang out to get high. in the end, i just wanted to get high and did my best to avoid sharing what i had with anyone, so even people who used were excluded from my company.
i am glad that the fellowship does not shove social acceptability down my throat or tell me that i NEED to make so many new acquaintances per month. it suggests that i learn how to reach out to others. it suggests that i attend meetings on a regular basis. it suggests that i develop a relationship with a sponsor, it suggests that i serve the fellowship as a part of the service structure. and it suggests that i develop a relationship with a loving HIGHER POWER. the cool thing here, is that at least for me, following those suggestions, even half0heartedly has made me more social than i have ever been in my life. as tough as it is for me to accept, i really do need human contact, and this contracting gig, is teaching me how to do it. the first step was an isolated project in a huge company. the next step will be in a bustling office with team members. who knows what happens after that! what i do know today, is that i seek out others addicts as well as those who are in the other 85%. amazingly i am also sought out and i am valued as an employee, a friend, a lover, a significant other, a sponsee, a sponsor, and a whole bunch of other roles that i could spend the next 20 minutes rattling off. what i need to do, is to finish the task at hand and get cracking at this particular job. it is a good day to be a part of the world around me, and oi think i will just do what comes next.
anyhow, i am doing this between thoughts about the project i am wrapping up this week. as much as i like the steady paycheck and the stability of the daily grind, i still long for the days when i was my own boss, not a very good one, to get to this place, but my own boss nevertheless. i guess all those years of greater and greater isolation, created a person, who is certainly taking his time becoming a social creature. the irony here is, that in the beginning, the use of drugs made me very social, as i had to hang out to get high. in the end, i just wanted to get high and did my best to avoid sharing what i had with anyone, so even people who used were excluded from my company.
i am glad that the fellowship does not shove social acceptability down my throat or tell me that i NEED to make so many new acquaintances per month. it suggests that i learn how to reach out to others. it suggests that i attend meetings on a regular basis. it suggests that i develop a relationship with a sponsor, it suggests that i serve the fellowship as a part of the service structure. and it suggests that i develop a relationship with a loving HIGHER POWER. the cool thing here, is that at least for me, following those suggestions, even half0heartedly has made me more social than i have ever been in my life. as tough as it is for me to accept, i really do need human contact, and this contracting gig, is teaching me how to do it. the first step was an isolated project in a huge company. the next step will be in a bustling office with team members. who knows what happens after that! what i do know today, is that i seek out others addicts as well as those who are in the other 85%. amazingly i am also sought out and i am valued as an employee, a friend, a lover, a significant other, a sponsee, a sponsor, and a whole bunch of other roles that i could spend the next 20 minutes rattling off. what i need to do, is to finish the task at hand and get cracking at this particular job. it is a good day to be a part of the world around me, and oi think i will just do what comes next.
∞ DT ∞