Blog entry for:

i may miss something that can help me grow.
okay i made a huge and deliberate alteration in the seed i used this morning. i am at the place in my life, where i am certainly trying to move past judging the events that happen in a slice of time as positive and negative. i am trying to move more in line with my spiritual path, that they just ARE. so after a second explicit statement of my spiritual path in two days, i do think i will move on into the meat of what i am feeling this morning.
as i work this transition between steps. or perhaps better put, as this transition works me, i am finding subtle shifts in what i feel and how present i am for exactly what i am feeling. this whole trip of being present for myself, is new to me. i once thought it was enough just to be present for those i loved and those i interacted with in the world around me. well as i am coming to find out, i have been doing this being present for myself gig for quite sometime, it was just below my conscious awareness. being conscious of it is the new part and as i am now conscious of being present for myself, i am starting to look at the rest of the world a little bit different light. when i feel crushed by the burden of my responsibilities, what is it that i am really feeling? that is the REALITY here for me, as i am just starting to get a handle on this whole feeling gig.
in active addiction, i purposefully avoided feelings, hence everything got subjugated into a repertoire of various shades of anger. in early recovery, the emotional roller-coaster was often so intense that i used behaviors to avoid feeling, and for the most part i could defer the emotional ride for a bit of time, until i was better able to handle it. today, while all of that looks attractive, i KNOW that learning to FEEL and be present for FEELING is the next right thing to do. so deflecting and subjugating my feelings into behaviors or the so-called positive feelings, is not a path i wish to trod upon today. i am now struck by what an addict with boatloads of clean time said in the meeting the other night, that her burden of grief was so heavy upon her that she was merely trudging the road of life. while i commend her on her honesty, merely trudging is not what i want for my journey today. for me, i NEED to be present for what i am feeling, allow myself to feel those feelings and let the effects pass, as i know they will. for me, facing my responsibilities is the first job i need to do today, and my biggest responsibility is to nurture my program of recovery, so I CAN BE HERE for myself and the rest of the world. which i guess brings me to this conclusion, if the responsibilities of life are overwhelming me, i NEED to look at what is really going on. while feeling overwhelmed may actually be what is going on, i suspect that for me, there is something more sinister happening. i am pushing the feelings i DO NOT want to FEEL under my radar, deflecting them into feeling overwhelmed. which of course i can turn into one of the various shades of anger i came to the program well versed in.
so what i am feeling right here and right now? that it is time to suit-up and take a brisk walk with the dawg around the neighborhood. of yeah, i am grateful that i have the ability and the desire to be more than i was yesterday. so off to the streets it is.

∞ DT ∞