Blog entry for:

carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.
i have said it before, and i will quickly cover it again. my motives for my service to the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living have hardly ever been pure in the past. step work and living in active recovery is changing them and just for today i can truly state, that ALL of the service i am currently involved in, is to carry the message to the addict who still suffers. i can say that without reservations, justifications and sophistry because i know it is true, and i desire no recognition or lifetime achievement awards for what i do.
after stepping out of humility, i can get to what i heard this morning as i came up from a very good period of quiet time. a couple of themes were left dancing like visions of sugarplums within my head. the first was a bit of gratitude about being able to help an addict reach nine years and 5 days in a row clean. i know that it was not because of me, nor was it despite me, that he could achieve such a milestone, it was a combination of a POWER greater than us that was working through me, when i allowed IT to. i am starting to see that i either sponsor men for a very short time or for years, there is no middle ground, and that form of service is one that i really like doing. not because i GET to influence another, although that was my motive for sponsoring way back when. no it is BECAUSE I GET TO SEE ANOTHER MAN GROW INTO SOMETHING MORE. more than the bedraggled and pitiful creatures that walked into the program and can barely look me into the eye as they ask me to become their sponsor. i am amazed that as i passed through the various stages of my journey that some have stuck with me for whatever reasons. it humbles me to think that although i was as sick or sicker them, they had FAITH in me, and as i turn the corner into my new recovery paradigm, the time has come to reflect their FAITH in me, by growing some FAITH in myself. i finally get where this set of steps is taking me, and although it is no totally unexpected it does present a new context for my life in active recovery.
the men i choose to sponsor, may never sit all together in the same room, nor may they ever be able to like and trust one another, that is what it is and is a function of the human condition as well as the nature of addiction. no matter how much i desire it, it is beyond my power and i have come to a place where i have let it go, along with a lot of the other crap i have been carrying with me since the very first time at 6 months clean, i became a sponsor.
the further i step away from committee work, the better i seem to feel. it is no coincidence that all of my service efforts are now directed to carrying the message to addicts DIRECTLY. it is no secret that once upon a time, i abhorred this kind of service. it is no secret that i NEVER thought this is where my service efforts were going to end up. the only mystery to me, is why it took me so long to realize it, and even worse, that once i was here, why it took me so long to grow the FAITH, that this is where i am supposed to be. my conclusion? that despite my plans, the outcomes of my decisions are guided by forces way beyond my control and what i have to do is FEEL my way to where i am going. which today, i see is smack dab in the middle of STEP THREE.
i am grateful for what i have, and because of that gratitude it is time to appreciate the gift of health and the desire to live more healthfully, by taking the dawg out for an extended walk. life in recovery today is a mystery, but one that i am grateful to be a part of, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞