Blog entry for:

must be motivated by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. and of course, this and only this is my ON:LY motive for anything i do in service to my fellowship. that is the way it has always been, and so it shall continue, as infinitum! 'nuff said, move along. ;)
or so i would like to think in my most delusional state, however, the truth and, perhaps that is with a capital “T,” is that is never th3e actual case. sure carrying the message is always right up there. sure, as i get some more clean time, and work an ACTIVE program of recovery, it has become my paramount motive for serving BUT, it was and still is not my ONLY motive for service. before i get accused of minimizing my contribution or false humility, i want to say that i am grateful the POWER of the the collective fellowship was great enough to overcome my ego and will, and prevent my misguided service attempts from harming my local fellowship. i know, more pomposity, but words lack to express what i am feeling right now. i know that i have served for all sorts of motives. i also know that more than once i succeeded in imposing my will on a situation. it is those instances, when i could possibly do the greatest harm, that i am grateful for the collective of my peers, that thwarted or minimized less than stellar outcomes. it is in the spirit of “felonious” service that i serve today. what that has come to mean, at least for me, is that i serve as if i was committing a felony and do my best to keep it on the very down low. in that spirit it then behooves me to say i serve, i am grateful to serve and i am working on eliminating all other motives for why i serve from my life.
writing about HOW i serve is like spoiling a good deed by bragging about it, so i think i will shift the focus off of what i do to serve and back on to the WHY of it.
i serve because i owe a debt to the fellowship that has given me this manner of living. someone had the doors opened, the literature laid out, the coffee made and welcomed me to my first meeting, even though i was late, sat in the back of the room, and quickly ran off, after the meeting was done. someone hugged me and gave me key-tags, even when i was pretending to have clean time. someone helped write that literature, fostered the growth of the fellowship worldwide and created an atmosphere of recovery, as rough as it was in those days, but it was all here when i got here, and it was still here when i was ready to be more than another using addict. i owe those addicts, and the only way i can pay it back, is through doing what they showed me to do, when i am not trying to impress everyone with how fVcking selfless and spiritual i think i am. honestly, when i strip away my ego and recognize what i owe, becoming selfless in service and serving only to carry the message comes naturally to me.
today? well today i am grateful to be clean, and if i am given the opportunity to serve, i have HOPE that i can and will serve with a single motive min my mind and my heart: TO CARRY THIS MESSAGE OF RECOVERY, TO THE STILL SUFFERING.

∞ DT ∞