Blog entry for:

TAKE TWO:
well i will take my clumsy actions with the mouse as a sign that i was not writing what i really wanted to write about this morning. determine my motive about any action or behavior is tricky at best. the part of me i call addiction, lies to me, and tells my i live in an altruistic state all the time. everything i do is out of love for my fellowship, the love for others or just because it is the next right thing to do. OR that part of me tells me, that all that i do is merely to look good, create debt for others to pay back in the future and manipulate others to accede to my will. there is never anything in between PERIOD!
the REAL TRUTH, almost always lies somewhere in between. i know this because as i learn about who i am and where i fit in the scheme of things, i see the start black and white worldview that i developed in active addiction, rarely comes close to what is really happening, internally or externally. it is all part of the denial structure i use to discredit the evidence of my continuing growth in recovery. looking at this issue with a critical eye, more times than not, my motives are so mixed and convoluted that they defy any true definition of pure. yes i serve today, and yes i carry the message to all sorts of place is never believed i would choose to go back to. the POWER that fuels my recovery has seen to fit, to awaken a part of me, that wants to be more than he was, and wants to give others the chance i never gave myself, in active addiction. i would be lying if i said i did not feel a little pride and joy, when one of the men i carried the message to, shows up at a meeting. it would also be a lie to say that when they do not stick around, i feel hurt and angry and tell myself, that i am not really making any sort of difference in their lives. this reading reminds me, that ALL i can do is carry the message, through my words and my deeds, and ALL of my service efforts to my fellowship, are about doing just that.
as i have much to do, and in fact lots of time to do it, i think i have exhausted what i need to say this morning. it is a good day to be clean, and i will see you all at 10 am over at 30th and Kalmia for an excellent meeting, today and most every Saturday. after all, i can only keep what i have by giving it away!

∞ DT ∞