Blog entry for:

to find out what i really want.
learning how to defeat the lies i tell myself about why i do what i do, is certainly a task that i can undertake today and every day. after meeting with my sponse last week, one thing is clear, i DO NOT want to practice service-based recovery any longer. no what i desire is recovery-based service. we spoke very briefly about this topic last week, but for some reason, it still is ringing in my head, especially as i hear about and participate in e-mail blasts, about the issues that are facing my local service structure. one of the downfalls in doing service, for an extended period of time, is that i get the notion, that somehow, i have gradated from group conscience and into the realm of knowing what is best, for myself, for my group, for all the various service committees i am a part of and for the fellowship that has given me the opportunity to become more than i ever was, i am no longer satisfied with being part of the problem and i do believe that these days, the suggestion made by my sponsor, to alter the manner in which i participate in service will be one that i take to heart. the very notion that someone may feel bullied by my efforts to carry the message, has become abhorrent to me, and the game-playing and manipulation i am uncovering as i begin working STEP EIGHT, are more than evident in the manner i served in the past. the nice part of this introspection, is that i can start to really examine who i am, who i was and who i want to becomes, as i walk down the metaphysical hall of terror that is the process of change in my life. what is really behind door number one? well i will not know until i open it and walk into the room itself. the longer i traipse the hall waiting for a sign or some sort of notion about certainty, the longer i remain exactly where i am. there are, however, signs that perhaps all that i have accomplished in my checkered service career has set me up for this new phase of recovery-based service, on which i will be embarking as the days go on. it certainly does not mean that my service efforts will be diminished in any way, but will be altered to better fir my new way of looking at life and my impact on the fellowship that has given me this life.
i know i am being obtuse and more than a bit cryptic and although that is not my intention, the problem lies in where i am going in this respect, has yet to be revealed to me. i do know where i am not going, and that is to once again play the foil to thwart the efforts of others, or at least present an alternative view of what is going on.
so as i prepare to start my last two days of my current full-time gig, i can be certain of one or two things, this morning: 1)withdrawal from the fellowship that i love, is not an option i will exercise today and 2) i have FAITH that the collective intelligence, motives, knowledge and experience of those addicts who serve the fellowship, WILL sustain it and they will do so, without any input from me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞