Blog entry for:

commitment to be present through the process, be it recovery or service to my fellowship. i have to admit, i am less than fond with using service oriented material as my source for this exercise. i have the desire to dive into the void with an inspiration about how i am doing in my recovery process, and not how i can be a part of decision-making in service, even though that is a personal bit that needs to be looked at. the problem, however, with this topic, is that i am no longer serving as a member of any committee and all my service is carrying the message one-on-one to my peers in recovery. the only decisions i need to make in that sort of service, is to either follow my head or follow my heart.
with that huge caveat behind me, what i heard strayed quite a bit from my source material, but did not veer into what cigar to enjoy while working this morning , TV show plots or fantasies of winning hundreds of millions of dollars. what i heard was all about the process i have restarted after nearly three years of just maintenance. honestly, although i have been sharing about the pain level of not doing, i really am not in all that much pain. what i am uncovering however, is a return to my less than stellar behaviors and attitudes, which i no longer embrace with any gusto. those behaviors and how easily i slip into them, has raised my level of concern about my spiritual fitness. as a result, i finally changed sponsors to one who sees me on a regular basis and actually have done some writing on my 1ST STEP. i am not as sick as i could be, but i am sicker than i want to be.
as i sat and listened to the void , what kept coming up was a sense of graditude for sticking it out, in this recovery process and more than a bit of remorse for putting off decisions i needed to make about the direction of my recovery. the inertia that i have had to overcome, felt enormous and yet, after a small push from seeing the look on the faces of those in my life after a comment or action, was more than enough. i know today, that even if i have very little work to do this week, i have to commit to seeking out the next right thing and moving forward. as i prepare to head out to the gym, as i do not want to face the wind, i am certain that i can and will be present for my recovery process and if i get to commit to something in service, well that will be a bonus, just for today.

∞ DT ∞