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motives, huh? for me, motives are always a sticky wicket and more than once, i did the next right thing for all of the wrong reasons. the nice part of that is, even when i do so, most of the time, things come out the way they are supposed top anyways.
so there is my out and i am sticking to it! i really am powerless in most service situations and gratefully my self-will usually does not prevail.
moving on, it is certainly true, that my motives were more than a little suspect for quite some time. before i was a member i had service positions, mostly at the group level and generally not those that had much effect on the “atmosphere of recovery.” i had various other service positions across the course of my recovery journey and there was once a time, when i had to truly look at my motives and see that i had become a service legend in my own mind. once again, i am grateful that my overbearing need to control the outcomes was matched by an equally zealous member and we pretty much cancelled each other out. i will never, ever get any kind of lifetime achievement award for my service to the fellowship, and today i gratefully relish that fact, as when i serve now, i do so on the down low. i have a sponsee, who seems impressed about how much and where i serve and it is true, that strokes my ego. in reality, these days, i serve because it really is the next right thing to do, and where and how i server, i can carry the HOPE that someone will get the seed of recovery planted and see that even they can escape the cycle of life that addiction has them locked within. for me, i get the satisfaction of seeing where i came from, the bottom of my spiral into oblivion, as it were. i get to allow myself the freedom to recall the feelings, the smells and the trials and tribulations, of those very dark days of forever ago. or was it just yesterday? i do not know how “pure” my motives are today, but i certainly know that there is a whole lot less self-promotion in when and how i serve the fellowship these days.
what i do not have, however, is anything left to say and ironically, yesterday when i wanted to get out of the house early, i did not make, but today, it seems that is how the universe id flowing. so i will serve myself well, and get rolling out into this cold late autumnal day.

∞ DT ∞