Blog entry for:

to more successfully carry the message, or am i? an interesting question and one that i have asked and answered many a time before in this little exercise of putting into words, what i **hear** when i **sit.** right here and right now, can can unequivocally say that i am sure my current efforts are motivated by the DESIRE to offer more to those who are suffering the slings and arrows of addiction. it may not have always been this way and there is no guarantee that it will remain so, but in the here and now, it is just that. 'nuff said, time to move along.
as i listening in my home group meeting, yesterday, i was struck by the word DESIRE, more than once. sneaking out for 90 minutes with my MacBook in tow, is something i am well versed in and since i am not paid for the hours that i am on call, i have no guilt or shame about doling so, once again it is what it is and i was prepared to take off like a hoser and fix whatever issues may have arisen while i was away from my home base. no justifications or rationalizations required, i CHOSE to be away from the chains on on-call, and knew full well the consequences of doing so. accepting the consequences is part of the picture for me today, especially when i give in to DESIRE.
so i just spent the last thirty minutes trying my best to predict the future, and which players on my fantasy team can carry me into the championship round of my fantasy football league. talk about more than a little bit of obsessive behavior. DESIRE, wins out here, this more, my DESIRE to move into the championship round for the first time ever, and my prospects look b leak, according to the wags, the experts and the prediction AI engine in our league. so i went with my heart and may make one more change in the next 23 minutes, before i let go of the results until 6:00 PM tonight. i want bragging rights and the financial reward that comes with being the “winner” and am nearly willing to do anything i can do to make that happen. my final update has benched AJ Green vs a stingy Minnesota defense and move DeMarco Murray against as resurgent San Francisco defense. obsession and caving to DESIRE is certainly par for the course these days.
it is starting to seem that DESIRE to be something else, that is driving my total disregard of not working my FIRST STEP. as silly as it may sound, IF i do not admit i am powerless over addiction, somehow i will not be an addict anymore and the past twenty years of just for today, is just proof that i DO have power over addiction. as twisted as that logic may be, for someone like me, as even today with that chunk of clean-time, i look to the feeling of “getting high” as my desired effect and not hanging out and being social in a brew pub. when i fantasize about what my life was before i was forced into the rooms, i always remember the comfortably numb life and not the trauma and drama of finding the ways and means to get into that state. it is always the best of times that come to mind and the worst of times, that get pitched into the bit bucket, so when it comes to bolstering the argument that i just might have some power over addiction, i lack the will to take a constructive and critical look at what i was, when i came to the rooms. i was incapable of having relationship, paying my bills on time, working for anyone but my family and uncaring about how my actions affected anyone else. my DESIRE to “get high,” had left me with little else in my life and yet from time to time, i think that perhaps i could handle it now. exploding that myth, is what writing that FIRST STEP would bring about and the FEAR that one more piece of me will be lost to my recovery, is overwhelming. where will i go today?
well i am of the mind to make a deal with myself, IF i win this week at Fantasy i will write that FIRST STEP, tonight, if not i will keep muddling along the way i have been. not a very fair fight as i am powerless over how my team will perform and perhaps that is the lesson i am getting in powerlessness, that will drive me to doing the next right thing for myself.

∞ DT ∞