Blog entry for:

is more than likely being hidden behind the smoke and mirrors of spiritual camouflage. having visited this topic more than once, i can safely say that my motives, at times, have been more than suspect. i would like to think, that as i stay clean and live a program of active recovery, my motives to serve, become more aligned to the true spirit of service to my fellowship. moving on from my motives for serving, this morning what i did get from my sparse experience in quieting my mind, that perhaps looking at what i WANT and what i NEED would be a better way to spend my time today.
lately i have been obsessed with getting my body more fit and yes cleared of all traces of nicotine. i said something to one of my neighbors the other morning about being “round.” i see that i have a distorted picture of what i look like and more likely than not what i feel like. every time someone asks me whether or not i feel better without nicotine in my system, i am hard-pressed to answer. looking at my thoughts around both of those issues, i can see that that feeling better, physically, is not my motive at all. both of those go to “how i look,” on all sorts of levels. i want to be seen as someone who is willing to sacrifice pleasure for a greater good and someone who does not carry all sorts of additional baggage with him. i want to be seen as a martyr to the greater good and it is not unlike my motives for service back in the day. what it then comes down to, is this, do i continue doing what i am doing even though my motives are far from pure, or do i give up and just let myself go? of course, this is a binary decision and one with no shades of grey!
in my life, i know that my amends to myself included getting in better shape and removing nicotine ingestion from my daily routine, as i smoked far too much. matching my insides to my outsides, has never been a task that was easily accomplished for me. hiding in the shadows and sneaking around, may not be the healthiest of behaviors, but it certainly made me feel “alive” as i could feel that i am getting away with something. as i get towards the end of this entry, i am seeing that it is all about being something i am not, or at least looking like i am something i am not. i am grateful for what i do have and whether or not i will enjoy some time with friends tomorrow has yet to be seen. just for today, however, i think i will allow myself to continue to heal from my overuse injuries and not use nicotine in any form, not because it will make me look better, because it will makle me BE better and being better is what my recovery is all about today. as an after thought, today is the anniversary of my pup's death. my tribute to him and how his passing affected me all those days ago, is one that still brings up feelings of grif and sadness. that is certainly a “gift” of recovery and one that i never know how grateful i actually am, for recieving. it is a good day to be clean and come back and “alter” my past, as i am adding this little piece a day later.

∞ DT ∞