Blog entry for:

manipulation, and pomposity describes perfectly the dog and pony show i was part of the other night. for a change, i was not the one that was exhibiting those behaviors, nevertheless, it was still disconcerting to be a part of that and see in others, those parts of me i have come to believe i have left behind. the fact of this matter is, i was willing to extract my pound of flesh, using all of those tools and take someone down from their “high horse” demonstrating how much “better” i was. even though there is still a word or three left to come about what happened, i have let go of my personality issues with the chief instigator and have decide to move in another direction, knowing dull well that i can no longer comfortably serve my fellowship in close contact with that particular peer.
moving into the here and now, i see my reactions and responses were not as healthy as i would have desired. in fact, the number of buttons that got pushed astounds me, as i was quite certain that those buttons had been disabled, across the course of my recovery journey. the very fact that i can so quickly revert to being a “defender of the faith” and have a strong desire to launch an inquisition, chills me to my bones. the reading this morning was a great guide to where i need to go, check my motives and drop my desire to be seen as “bigger” than i am, into the bit bucket and walk away. 🥴
all of that comes back to what my motives are, right here and right now. what i keep running up against is the notion that perhaps i am not a sound vessel to carry a message of recovery, at this minute. stepping back may just be what is needed until i find a place of balance. even though i have let go of most of what has gone on, i still have a strong feeling or three about whodunnit to me. a fresh dive into something different may be what is called for and it is time for me to actively pursue that, instead of passively waiting for someone to get back to me. as i prepare to step out into this dark and chilly morning, i know that only by surrendering my lingering feelings into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, will i be freed from my obsession. with that surrender i am reminded that no matter how &@8220;right” i may or may not be, the ends NEVER justify the means. tossing out precedent and minimizing minority voices, may get something done, but as what cost? certainly more than i am willing to pay, just for today.

∞ DT ∞