Blog entry for:

so as i am seeing myself more honestly, i get to see others in the same light. yes, the judge is still holding court in my head. yes that does make my life unmanageable. and yes, as i learn to forgive others, i become more forgiving of myself.
i have been putting off writing this morning, as i felt that i would prattle on about nothing. i could write about my cold, which is in the process of resolving itself. i could write about the weather, which is currently raining. both of which. while affecting me, are not really close to the mark about what is going on with me this morning. i am in no mood to work , or am i serious about anything and all of that, while true, is creating a conflict within me, hence the judge starts holding court, after all, if i focus on the actions and the motives of others, i need not look to myself. if i do not look at myself, i can sit in my warm cocoon of self-righteousness and not do anything at all. i understand that behavior is nether healthy not profitable for me, and yet there are times like this morning when it feels so right, that i just want to go there and take up residence on a permanent basis. so what is the solution?
for me, right here and right now, it is to get to the bottom of what is really going on. part of it is this dang cold, and my hiatus from working out. my back is ready, but my lungs are not. where is the super man that worked out non-stop over the past few years, when i need him? where is the super recovery dude, that always has something positive to say, even when he is feeling like the world is against him and life is unfair? well, he is here, but his voice is being drowned out by the gale of self entitlement and pity that the addict within has stirred up.
when i look at things and my life rationally, i see that i am better off than i was a year ago. yes, things could be better, but they have been much worse. wrenching my back and suffering a cold, are just part of being part of life, after all, had i not shoveled the walk, or ever left my house, neither malady would have manifest. of course, there would have been other consequences from those decisions and the truth is, that this morning i would not like them any better. in fact, the mood i started in, when i started writing this morning would more than likely been the same.
where do i go from here? well given my history, i could make myself feel better by launching into a tirade against those who behavior i judge as less than perfect, as i have done in the past. running them down to make myself feel better about me, is an exercise in active addict behavior, and one that i know well. for some reason, this morning i do not feel like going there, and that is a sign of progress. going shopping is yet another option i could exercise, and the nice part of the modern world is that i can shop in my jammies, right from the comfort of my own home. that is also an option i choose not to exercise this morning. so that leaves me with only acceptance. accepting that i am sick, and will get better, hence i can return to working out. accepting that i do not like the way i feel, but allowing the POWER that fuels me recovery to show me the way out. so i start by forgiving myself for being human, being an addict and for wallowing in the mire of self. once i do that, the world looks a bit brighter and i feel a bit better, the feedback cycle of active recovery can be initiated again and i GET to feel better.
i think i will do a bit of work, jump into the shower and hit the smoke-filled room, just to see what happens. it is after all a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞