Blog entry for:

i tend to be more forgiving. which is a good thought to have this morning, as i sit down and repeat what i heard when i quieted me mind and listened. it was weird or ironic, that as i contemplate the damage i did, that has yet to be amended, across the course of my life, i once again hear about learning to be forgiving. for me, being forgiving has a precondition, namely letting go of my judgement and prejudgements of those i need to forgive. the biggest obstacle to me, forgiving anyone, is my opinion of them. i know that sucks and to even state something that is so obvious and yet something that everyone denies, is earthshaking for me. it goes even deeper. the more i respect someone, the less likely i am to manufacture harm they did upon me and the more forgiving i am from the get go. there are certainly all kinds of reasons for my disrespect, chief among them, are they are overtly practicing shortcomings that i really do not want to humbly ask to have removed from me. i think i like to be manipulative, controlling and judgmental, even though none of those behaviors have served me well in active recovery. i cling tightest to those part of me i have the greatest fear of being without, after all, if i am not a bully, who will stand up against those other spiritual and emotional bullies that seem to litter the halls of service? if my Machiavellian schemes are not instituted, how will i protect the fellowship i love so much from self-seekers and other manipulators? even i as write this, i see the terrible reality of how this all plays out in my mind. of course those are me peers that i have believe have harmed me, and anything i did in retaliation was justified and rationalized, so why would i ever forgive them for being oh so human? they deserve all the punishment that one can inflict upon them, so they never, ever do it again. whether that punishment is social ostracism or public flogging, really does not matter, when i am going down this track, hence any anger i still feel for the perceived harm is still justified and not a resentment.
the upshot, for me this morning, it to remember that those are my behaviors, that is my suit of armor and those battle are as spurious and illusive as the giants Don Quixote, purported to battle is his adventures. they are reality warped by imagination into an excuse to be unforgiving and even more critical of the behavior of someone else, hence myself, after all how dare they out-manipulate me?
alas, the time has come to get down the road to work. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to practice a bit of what i most desire, love and respect for all of those who happen to be a part of my life, today.

∞ DT ∞