Blog entry for:

that allows me to feel worthy of being loved, by myself and others. i seem to be stuck in a rut lately, first a chain of HIGHER POWER topics, now i am pulling self-worth and the worthiness stories i tell myself, out of two readings in a row. i have come to see these as patterns of issues that i am working to resolve and the triggering of this whole thread was at that meeting on Monday night. while i felt for the newcomer that was there, and was sincere in what i shared, i had intended it to be one of those shares that was mostly a “throw-away” at least in my head, because i was fairly certain i have and had dealt with all the issues surrounding my self-worth. well, apparently that is NOT the case, so once more, upon this path i will walk.
one of the gifts of STEP NINE for me, was the forgiveness i felt, from others, but more importantly from myself. part of the reason i do a TENTH STEP with my phone right next to me, is so that when i stumble upon something that needs to be addressed, i can make that call or send that text. i do not say these things to make myself feel more confident about living a program, i state those as two facts of my life. as i learned to forgive myself, through the NINTH STEP process, i found i could be more forgiving of my peers in recovery, my family and my friends. while that is all well and good, i can still harbor resentment, anger, and judgemental self-righteousness to the anonymous many who cross my path of a daily basis, be it on the highway, in the grocery store or at the gas pumps. naturally when i let others take over control like that, i am angry at myself and it feeds the story that i tell myself, that this recovery gig is NOT paying off, after all, one would think with this many days clean i would be further along the path to real self-worthiness and acceptance. so instead of racing towards the promised land being whole, genuine and self-assured, i feel the boulder is about to slip out of my grip once again, and i will need to start my Sisyphean task once again.
after doing a task that is not quite as daunting, implementing a bit of frugality in my life, by packing a lunch, i can come back to this experience with a bit better perspective. it is true, that no matter how long i stay clean, no matter how diligently live the steps and no matter how much of the grunge i remove from the “real” i will never achieve my goal of being the sort of person i want to be. in fact, while it is nice for me to have a goal, my focus needs to be, as my sponsor often reminds me, on the journey, rather than the destination. the fact of the matter is, living well in recovery, is its own reward and once i lose sight of that fact, i end up in the whole worthiness trap and feel unloved and unlovable.
with that thought paramount in my head, i think i will start my transition into the “real” world, even though i would much rather work for home today. it is a good day to be on the journey and when i allow myself to be free from the lies and tales i tell myself, that boulder gets a bit lighter, the hill a bit less steep, and i can be grateful that at least i have a path to becoming something more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞