ยฌ while in active addiction, and sometimes even in recovery ยฌ
Posted: Sun, Jan 17, 2010 08:42:59 AM
i have deliberately found the ways and means to make the lives of those around me miserable. i was and still can be the lord of chaos, although it is does not come as easily as it did before i started to work the steps. nor do i have the NEED to make those around me feel as miserable as i do, because most of the time i do not feel miserable at all. that, in and of itself could explain the change in my behavior, if i feel good, i want to make others feel good as well. well not quite, if i feel good, i do what i can to allow others to act as feel as they should, which brings me around to what i heard this busy early Sunday morning, when i read the entry in the JFT book.
it is true, that others can see my insanity long before i am even aware that it MAY exist. i can the insanity of others by this same token. learning to allow them to see it for themselves is a tough and painful choice for me. i am a person who came to recovery with the desire to FIX everyone else, and that DESIRE is slow in fading away. even though that defect is still within me, what has changed in my NEED to act upon it. that is correct, my DESIRE to judge the behavior of someone else is still here. so i mean what the f*ck, where is the HOPE in that last statement?
well i could spin it a whole bunch of different ways, starting with needing to judge people and situations is a good skill warped by addiction into something i needed to survive the life i was living, and just has not been scraped off the soles of my shoes. while technically correct, that misses the point, the HOPE lies in the fact that i am painfully aware that i still feel like i NEED to judge the behaviors and programs of others, and since i am aware of it, i do NEED to act on the desire to tell them what i think, nor do i need to pigeon-hole them based on my perception of what they are. what i do these days, at least most of the time, is realize where i am going. become present of what i am doing, and ask a POWER greater than me to fill me with tolerance, acceptance and forgiveness. if asked i will say what i see, as i see it, but otherwise i will keep my observations to myself.
so it is off to the shower so i can get to service on time. it is after all a good day to do what i need to do to stay clean.
it is true, that others can see my insanity long before i am even aware that it MAY exist. i can the insanity of others by this same token. learning to allow them to see it for themselves is a tough and painful choice for me. i am a person who came to recovery with the desire to FIX everyone else, and that DESIRE is slow in fading away. even though that defect is still within me, what has changed in my NEED to act upon it. that is correct, my DESIRE to judge the behavior of someone else is still here. so i mean what the f*ck, where is the HOPE in that last statement?
well i could spin it a whole bunch of different ways, starting with needing to judge people and situations is a good skill warped by addiction into something i needed to survive the life i was living, and just has not been scraped off the soles of my shoes. while technically correct, that misses the point, the HOPE lies in the fact that i am painfully aware that i still feel like i NEED to judge the behaviors and programs of others, and since i am aware of it, i do NEED to act on the desire to tell them what i think, nor do i need to pigeon-hole them based on my perception of what they are. what i do these days, at least most of the time, is realize where i am going. become present of what i am doing, and ask a POWER greater than me to fill me with tolerance, acceptance and forgiveness. if asked i will say what i see, as i see it, but otherwise i will keep my observations to myself.
so it is off to the shower so i can get to service on time. it is after all a good day to do what i need to do to stay clean.
∞ DT ∞