Blog entry for:

i will try to act in such a way that i feel worthy of self-love.
honestly, this is one of those days where all i heard was DUH! this particular reading itself was short and straight to the point without a tortured metaphor or lengthy analogy, and i guess i was ready to hear it. i have almost let go the insanity of others and am now capable of forgiving them for being human, but in my anger i said one or two things and did a few things that may make our relationships a bit strained for a bit time, or not. what i do know is that i took care of myself, a demonstration of self-love but i was over the top a bit. what they wanted to hear was that i forgave them, what i am sure they heard was that i was pissed at being treated like a bitch and disrespected. i know this, because i made it clear in non-ambiguous terms and used the language that they understand so well.
as i have asked for the power to let go, form the the POWER that fuels my recovery, every night for the past 10 days or so, i am starting to move into a place of being okay, with their behavior as well as mine.
this being forgiving gig, is a tough one for me, for various reasons. even though i have some clean time and a bit of recovery, there is still a sense of entitlement that runs underneath the surface. that river may been unseen for the most part, but it is broad, deep and swift. when i fall into it, i am quickly swept away into place where there is nothing or no one who can give me what i KNOW i deserve, especially the respect i DEMAND! after all, do they not know who the fVck i am? when i am there, it is all about revenge and justice of the eye for an eye style and i think i need to be the one to mete out the appropriate punishment. it is a place i no longer like going to, and one that i do not arrive at very often. the problem these days, is once i am there, it is hard to swim back upstream to my spiritual retreat and where i can finally let go and forgive. knowing that, my prayers have been for the power to get out of entitlement and resentment and move into forgiveness. of course, as i asked i also did all that i could do to prevent it and as a result the journey has been long and arduous. sometimes it just sucks to be a human, an addict and live a program of recovery to the best of my ability.
today however it does not suck! i am where i NEED to be and that is on the early bus, headed to work and dumping the stuff that is on my mind, letting the rest of the world spin as it will. i can forgive my wayward friends as well as myself. i can own where i was wrong and no more. most importantly i CAN allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of me, and today that means all of me! with that in mind, i guess i will see what is up with the rest of the world this morning, it is a good day to LET GO.

∞ DT ∞