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making life miserable others? just for today, i can honestly say that is not how i walk through my day. it is true, however, that it was not all that long ago when i needed to make others feel miserable to make myself feel better. it is also true that i get a bit of a thrill when i see someone i had “words” with, squirm and fidget when i walk into the room. for me, this has always been about power and my exercise of it. sure, i could stop going places where someone i make uncomfortable might show up, but why should i surrender my personal power to make assuage their itsy-bitsy feelings. i was once ready to walk away from service, because i could not work with someone, i am not about to walk away from meetings because they cannot get over their loss.
that was not, however, what popped off the stack this morning. as i sat and listened this morning i was drawn to the tale of three of my peers, who now happen to be guests of the Boulder County Sheriff's department. all of them have been in the rooms during my period of extended clean time. all of them have been “around” the program for years and actually had long periods of abstinence and even recovery. and yet, all of them are once again looking at time in prison because they chose to live in the self-will of immediate gratification and “getting away” with stuff. yet, none of them seem to have the desire to acknowledge that feeling the thrill of risk and getting rewarded by lack of punishment is something they need to look at. in fact one told the cops as he was getting his ass hauled off to jail that he did not steal the package of gummies that were by his feet and was “defending‟ himself when he stabbed the clerk that confronted him.
i understand making excuses for my behavior and using them to ask for forgiveness, even though all i am trying to do is justify my own behavior and go through the motions of looking contrite and sincere, been there, done that, certainly have more than one T-shirt. when i walk through each day, looking to be better than i was yesterday, i get the opportunity to forgive rather than having to be forgiven. when one is not a walking disaster of shit, one doe not need to be forgiven of all that much. i am no longer a person who leaves a trail of tears in his wake, most of the time. before the snow flies and i get relegated to the Rec Center, i think it is time to get moving on my daily bout of being a bit more fit. i can forgive those who trespass against me, just for today. i can also be the type of person who does not need to be forgiven, because i make choices that lead to outcomes that are beneficial for myself and the world around me as well. it is a great day to be walking in the sunlight of recovery.

∞ DT ∞