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of someone, other than myself manifests, i often want to judge, moralize or claim some sort of moral high ground, knowing full well that in the next blink of an eye, that may well be me. this morning, i was tempted to be drawn back into giving away my personal power, to those in my life,m who cannot see the insanity of how they are living these days. what bubbled up from the depths, was a path to let go of what they are doing, what they have done and the insane stuff they have rationalized and justified away, with their jazz-hands. i can be accused and convicted of the exact same behavior and in the long run, i finally saw the damage i was doing, when i stepped away from what i thought was threatening me. forgiveness is certainly a great theme for me this morning, as i am so far from perfect, that i too, need a bit of forgiveness, just about every single day.
moving into that theme, the issue i have been having recently, revolves around losing my job and dealing with the lie that hampered me for all those years. the fact that i was not skilled enough to keep my “dream job” plays into that whole whirlpool of self-deprecation and reduced self-esteem. the fact that i have to deal with an avalanche of calls from recruiters and answer question after question about who i am, gives me ample opportunity for the “jazz-hands” to kick in and embellishment to begin. hiding what happened and being confident in what i learned is a recipe for disaster for this addict. i still need to deal with the fiasco of my training on Saturday and that will happen when i get to the cigar store later this morning. i also need to find the ways and means to be okay with my life, as it is right here and right now, and that is a bit of a struggle. there feels like a shit-ton of unfinished business that i have walked away from, when in reality i can see that i am not capable of dealing with the flavor of someone else's insanity, without going into self-willed insanity myself. i certainly can forgive them their trespasses, but i am not sure i can be a part of dealing with their crap in real-time, without having “simply elegant brain damage.”
i get to walk in the light of a recovery program today. when i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, the opportunity to show me that light, by actually paying attention, i get much more than i have ever put into this life. i get the peace, the serenity, the surety and the wisdom that was never promised, but certainly has become part of my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞