Blog entry for:

it may be difficult to watch as the insanity of someone else manifests itself. but if i detach myself from the problem, i can start living in the solution. the solution? well, at least not part of the problem. one of the things i struggle with, is the ability to detach myself. it is quite a delicious irony that i was quite capable of detaching myself from everyone and everything when i was in active addiction, and now when i most need that skill, not quite on such a global basis, it is a difficult one to access. the key for that detachment was in the reading -- forgiveness! as i sit here this morning, i am struck by how i am so unaffected about a fellow member’s relapse. usually, i am angry, hurt and sad, and yet this morning, i feel relieved. not exactly the kind and compassionate reaction i expect after someone who has over two decades of clean time decides to use. since my feelings do not match my expectations, i need to explore that outcome through the vehicle of the reading this morning. i must be changing, and the ability to detach from the insanity of someone else appears to be in full gear.
YARGH!…
i know there is plenty of room in this fellowship and no one has to die or relapse to open a chair for a newcomer. i also know that recovery is a process that i must cherish and nourish on a daily basis. the only reason i can find for my lack of relapse is that i have had microseconds of clarity just before making the decision to use, and did what i was told to do, make that phone call!
but enough about the insanity of relapse, that digression is keeping me from going where i intended, and that is exploration of the ability to detach from the insanity of others. i find myself wanting judge, and yet what i see myself doing is forgiving. the fact that i am acting and feeling different than i expected has to be a sign of progress and is more than likely a good thing. it is even perhaps a signal for mew to move forward in the process of the steps. i just may have made the emotional and spiritual transition from Step 6 to Step 7. or perhaps not, this just may be a temporary aberration and i am just as sick as i was thirty days ago. since i am generally clueless about what is really going on inside of me, i think i will just let it go and see what happens. it is, after all, a good day to recover, and i feel hopeful that everything will be put into perspective as the day goes on.

∞ DT ∞