Blog entry for:

than be forgiven, even when their actions affect me.
quite honestly, the events i was whining about a week ago seem so insignificant and trivial in light of day, and yet twice i felt the need to call someone out without saying what it was they did and why it bothered me so much. the fact is one event affected me directly the other was comments in the behaviors of others and did not affect me at all, save for my self-righteous indignation. oh i could make thousandth of excuses and say that i was occupied with fret and worry about my upcoming oral surgical procedure. or i could shift the responsibility onto them, saying the fVcking should know better, and while true, that does nothing to relieve me of my responsibility. the fact is, they are my feelings and it was my toes that were being stepped on, not someone else's. part of what i heard this morning is a reaction to what an addict in active addiction said to me on the phone yesterday. he basically said it was the responsibility of my peers and i to rebuild the bridges that were burned down when a long-term member decided they no longer wanted to stay clean or even be a part of any of our lives, after all that is what using addicts do. i was in the middle of doing something else and quite occupied or i would have said WTF❓❓❕❕ my tone would have conveyed the dismay and my disbelief of someone telling me what to do. especially someone who seems to believe, still, that the world owes them something. the fact is, no one, not me, not anyone, is entitled to the respect of the fellowship. i had to earn that respect and over time, people came to a place where they had my back and would give me what i thought i needed. ironically, when that time came, i discovered that by taking responsibility for my recovery and allowing a HIGHER POWER to care for my will and my life, what i needed was already being given to me.
as i sit here this morning, i am less angry at the result of that call yesterday and understand that addicts who are using may feel a special sort of entitlement, especially those who have been “around” the rooms for a bit of time. what they lack is context. we who do this gig for a long time, day in and day out and not just when our ass is in a sling, tire of the lies, the broken promises and the plethora of excuses of why those “longtime revolvers” believe that they are somehow different and require just “one more chance.”
when i am asking for forgiveness i have to be certain that it is forgiveness i am asking for and i am not asking for forgetfulness. the point being that when i forgive i very rarely forget what has gone on in the past, there is always history and context, that cannot be wiped away with a magic wand of forgiveness. i am worth being forgiven today as well as forgiving those who have done me wrong. what i am not worthy of, is someone forgetting what i have done, especially when i do absolutely nothing to prevent the recurrence of those same actions. i am far from perfect and more than likely step on the toes of those around me on a daily basis. my job is to take responsibility for my past and do what i can to prevent it from happening in the here and now and further down the road, when the memory and the pain of my “victims,” has faded. expecting those around me to be okay with my bad behavior in the here and now, is not all that different than the “pipe dreams,” that comprised my days as a using addict.
as i ease into my day at work and step into the real world, i will be okay forgiving the addict on the other end of that phone call yesterday, but i will not be okay granting them the chance to fVck me over once again. i will move with caution and when they demonstrate a true desire to be something more, i will certainly be there for them, as it is today, they have much to prove before that process will happen, just as i do, with those whom i have screwed over in the past. living an active program of recovery gives me the chance to seek forgiveness less and yes, be more forgiving, i am certainly worthy of that action today.

∞ DT ∞