Blog entry for:

change from my self-destructive patterns of life became necessary.
from the perspective of a few days clean, it gets more difficult to see the self-destructive patterns as they emerge in my daily life. my best clue is when i recognize them in others, such as my need to be always right, even if i have to stretch the truth or conveniently ignore facts to do so.
do i want to be right today? of course i do. am i willing to go to any lengths to do so? this is where the reading kicks in. when i was using the answer would have been an unqualified yes! there was nothing i was unwilling to do to be correct in all instances, PERIOD. as much as i would love to deny it, this behavior has carried over into my recovery, and still pops up from time to time in my current life. i would fall back on the comfortable adage of calling it an old behavior, but i have some to see, that term is a manner of shielding myself from reality. as my sponsor is wont to say, how can it be an old behavior when it is still a part of my life. the reality is that it is a familiar behavior, that i have grown accustomed to over the course of time, it is only old in the sense that i have practiced it for a very long time. that is where the steps come in. i GET to see this for what it is, a buffer against the possibility of damage to my outward appearances, or what i perceive as my outward appearance. it goes back to yet another familiar behavior. judging myself through the eyes of others and acting to improve what i think they are thinking about me, which stems from the lack of self-esteem the destruction of active addiction wreaked upon my spiritual self.
i know, this is really starting to get twisted, so instead of chasing that particular thread down to its inevitable conclusion, i can say this: i am now, and always will be an addict. as long as i remember that fact, no matter how long i have clean, i have a way out from the self-destructive behaviors that are oh so familiar and yes even comfortable for em to engage in, at least in the short-run. living in the reality of the FIRST STEP on a daily basis, means i have a foil to the part of me i call addiction, although it is omnipresent, it need to no longer be all powerful. the program of recovery allows for personality change by forcing me to become more than i ever was. yes forcing me. IF i do all that is suggested, including continual step work, i change. as i change, i GET to decide if i want the process to continue, to be held in abeyance or to run in reverse. the decision is not how the change or even how fast the change will occur, that is out of my hands and i am grateful for that. all i have power over is the direction of that change.
forward in the case of living a program of active recovery.
stopped in the case of mere abstinence.
backwards in the case of active addiction.
although it has been my experience that the stopped state is the most painful of all, and often leads to active addiction.
anyhow, i could go on, but this morning i am in the mood to get out and run, make some money, be creative and yes spend some time chomping on a stogie in a den of inequity known as the local cigar lounge. all of this and more is available to me because i CHOOSE TO BE IN ACTIVE RECOVERY TODAY.

∞ DT ∞