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but not many of them are worked overnight. the irony here is that i am mostly adverse to using the term miracle, as it implies a bit more than i can comfortably deal with, most days. it is true, that as a result of living a program, i have become something more than i ever believed was possible. it is true, that i have a POWER in my life that fuels my recovery and provides me every opportunity to get whatever i need, exactly when i need it. and sometimes it appears there are coincidences that are beyond any earthly explanation. to attribute any of that to some mysterious force, is not where i want to go these days. the only mystery i want in my life, is the exact nature of HOW the POWER that fuels my recovery will care for me today, and even that mystery is solved when i am awake to what is going on.
i can honestly say, learning to be present is quite a daunting task. just when i think i get it, i discover i have slept through something else. this morning i am awake enough t write about what i am feeling and i need a few minutes just to relax and allow the crazy bus driver to do his job, regardless of how poorly i judge him doing it today.
speaking of jobs, i got a call from an addict last night, who is the process of losing all that he thought he needed/ it started eight weeks ago, when he finally chose the nuclear option, and things have got worse. he is shedding people in his life, like a Labrador Retriever sheds hair. the worst part is that just as that breed, it is what he does, unconsciously, until once again all he has is his sponsor, who is not particularly friendly or warm either. once again, he feels lost, alone and frustrated and the obsession to use is upon him. yet, he not willing to let go and allow for anything, like personality change to happen. the message i am hearing, is for me to examine myself, my behaviors and my feelings for similar symptoms and alter my life to fit the program, which has created the person i am today. i can now see, that i want to alter the program to fit my life, because that is what i know, that is what feels comfortable, and that is what gives me the illusion that i have some sort of power. when did i slip back into self-will? well the short answer is daily of course and more than once. the longer answer was when i managed to save one month's worth of bills into my bank account. with that goal accomplished. i think i have some power, and that was a result of action i took. on a very superficial level that is true, on a spiritual level, it is the result of opportunities that were presented, that i was awake enough to see, and that i took action to follow them their conclusion to the best of my ability. this came as a result of me, being desperate enough to do whatever i NEEDED to do to survive. this acme as a result of following my self-will to the bitter ends, of not knowing where to go and what to do, and finally allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life. no mystery here, move along.
it was a result of denying who and what i am, that i finally got to the place of tailoring my life to fit a program of recovery, once again. the trap here, is t hat just like the addict i was speaking to last night, i can lie to myself, that i am the responsible party here and that the POWER that fuels my recovery had nothing at all to do with my current status of success and being more frugal than i have ever been before. it is more than a bit disconcerting how easily i forget that all that i have is a result of the personality change that has occurred because of the steps and the program of recovery i choose as a lifestyle today.
how do i neatly wrap this up and move on? with this thought in mind, if i want to keep getting what i have been given, than i need to do whatever it took to get here in the first place, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞