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the further i withdrew from joy, wonder, and love. when i finally was ready for recovery, i certainly had more than just a drug problem, addiction had warped my whole pattern of living beyond recognition. the amazing part of that last statement that like boiling a live frog, i had no idea what i had lost. boiling a live frog is certainly a cruel metaphor but one that is apt for me. if you try and drop a live frog into boiling water it will jump out the second it detects the heat. HOWEVER if you place a live frog in warm water and allow the water to slowly heat up until it is boiling the frog will remain in the pot. for me, it was the same. had i been able to detect my spiritual state at the end of my active addiction, the chances are that i may have chosen a different path. since my spiritual journey into that abyss was slow and steady, i was clueless as to where i was going, and what was really happening to me, and bit by bit, i willingly gave away the joy, the wonder and the ability to give and receive love on the alter of my advancing addiction. it was not until i came to in the rooms of recovery, that i became aware of how much i had sacrificed. the horror of that particular awakening is still impressed upon me today. i certainly would have and could have retreated back into my chemically-induced cocoon of numbness, if i had not seen that i wanted more from life. i only thought the cold cruel and heartless cynic was what i wanted to be.
once i started to experience life through the skin of recovery, once i became aware of the joy in simply being alive, once i felt the unconditional love of those who were in my life, i wanted more and i still want more to this day. i understand, that for me, there is but a single path to that state of more. this is a binary decision-making process, life with all of its turmoils, joys, and wonder, or a return to the slow isolated death of active addiction. there is no shade of gray for me anyhow. so what doe that look like today? well it means i have to do my best to be aware of what is going on around me. i have to see the world through the eyes of that boy that was present a long time ago, and marvel at the wondrous life i have been given. that child is now growing into the man, he was always meant to be, whether or not i believe in predestination.
just for today, i choose to live in wonder and allow myself to do the next right thing -- which means choosing not to use, and doing my level best to be an active part of my own recovery process. on that note i do believe i will jump into the shower and get moving, a wonderful life is here and knocking at my door, time to answer the call of opportunity and see what i can be a part of today.

∞ DT ∞