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change that one may call recovery, is certainly part of my life today. i realize that there are many paths to becoming more than the selfish, self-centered, and over-entitled person i was, back in my active addiction and early abstinence. when i consider the number of my peers that have come and gone, and seem to have their lives **together** after leaving the fellowship, it does make me wonder. that question is: can i do the same thing and am i willing to face the consequences, if it does not work out for me? as rhetorical as that question may seem, it is at the heart of my decision to stay clean and to adhere to the program of recovery that has brought me this far. just for today, i accept the responsibility for my recovery and will make the attempt to live my recovery program to the best of my ability. 'nuff said.
yes that would have been enough if i was in my Cherie Cheerleader mode this morning. the fact is, recovery as it has come down to me, is hard work. the rewards are very subtle and incremental. it is easy for me to “think” that i am the same piece of shite i was when i was “sentenced” to three years of abstinence. when i hear my peers sharing about how they are still angry, self-abusive or hopeless, i have to reach out and ask them, what actions are they taking in their lives to move on. in my experience, those who are “stuck” somewhere along the recovery path, are often the ones who seek one of those alternate paths to FREEDOM from active addiction, and i cannot blame them. even though this program of recovery can work for ANY ADDICT, some do not find the relief that i have been gifted, and that makes me sad.
speaking for myself, those first eighteen months of my clean time, was what was needed for this addict. i finally reached a crossroads in my life where i actually had the opportunity to make a choice. i could have used and come back and ratted myself out, a highly unlikely scenario. i could have used and flushed my system with niacin and gallons of water and attempt to “get away with it,” the most probable choice for me. i chose instead to “white knuckle” it and start my actual recovery and i have never regretted that decision.
there is one nice part of being an addict, my stubborn and willful obstinate to hold on to stuff. these days, it happens to be my recovery and taking the time to maintain it on a daily basis. when i CHOOSE to live by the principles of recovery, i GET to receive the benefits of doing so. is everything happening on my timetable? not by a long-shot. my road trip to Midland is still on hold,m waiting for others to finish their process. of course, i could put my life on hold waiting for the word, or i can choose to make plans and be okay if they get altered. the latter is how i am living my life today and letting go of what i have little or no power over, is the path i am taking today. yes i choose to live this program and the consequences of doing so, are not always to my liking, but at least in my mind, they beat the alternatives.

∞ DT ∞