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and doing things i do not understand, saved my life or at least gave me a chance to have a life better than the one i had when i first got clean. coming to believe that i was an addict was not an easy task for me. with that barrier in place, trusting that those in the rooms has answers to the questions i was in denial about, kept me from moving forward with any dispatch. the reality was, that i did not want to be in “recovery,” because i lacked the necessary qualification: the desire to stay clean. i liked getting high and getting high worked for me, right up to the end. i may not have had a highly successful life, but i had a life that allowed me to sleep indoors, eat on a regular basis, to work and most importantly, get high every day. what more could any addict really want? i did not see any benefit to abstinence or recovery and just needed to comply with those outside forces that were forcing me to stay clean. ironically, when push came to shove, i CHOSE the path of recovery, rather than stumbling back into active addiction.
this morning, as i wished one of the men who got clean when i was getting clean, but no longer is a member of my fellowship, i considered a whole lot of what i said to the men who call me their sponsor, over the course of the past two days. it is not that i might wish to take anything back, but then throw away lines i voiced have me wondering what effect they may have had on those men. my friend who is staying clean by means that are not familiar to me, makes me wonder if i could stay clean without this fellowship, my peers and the literature it has created. most of all, can i trust myself to make such a decision. i have more than a few friends who have left this path and manage to stay clean and have lives that are worth living. i can see, however, that because of my distance i am seeing the external symptoms and are clueless as to what may actually be going on with them. i know, for me anyhow, i have found something that works and i may not be rich, famous or well-traveled, but i am content with my life and i might actually have some sort of future, which i did not have, way back when.
moving into the here and now, i can see i have been training for over a month now. trusting the AI that is creating my training program is tough for someone such as myself, a techie who is not “on-board” with computers telling me what to do. i know i am getting faster and stronger and maybe even losing some of the inches i put on over the past sixteen months. i also know that i feel better physically and just as i was unsure about following the direction of my peers, one i let go of the notion that i “knew” how to train, i actually started making progress towards my goal. this morning, as i prepare to step out for a low impact walk, i am quite certain that IF i listen to what my peers have been telling me, trust in their experience, i, too, can get what they have, even if i do not know what that may be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞