Some memes

is sometimes a phrase i use when i see someone who walks into the rooms and are **struck clean.** i certainly was not one of those people as i struggled against everything i was told i ought to do, by everyone who were already examples of what might happen if i chose to get clean. this pops off the stack as i think about the new influence recovery was in my life, way back when and how it still influences me today. once again i am starting to really work as i write this and attempt to get out of the house for my workout. i could be all sorts of pissed off about that, whining about how they do not get who i am. yes, that is my default reaction to something not going as i had planned. one way that recovery has changed me, is that i have a choice whether or not i want to go down the default path to feelings and behaviors that are far from healthy. for me. i can change the manner in which i see this event and allow myself to behave in a more sane and certainly more rational manner. as much as i hate the term “triggers” and all of its semantic connotations, i understand that in early recovery, it was sort of important to be aware of the situations or events that tipped me over into the obsession to use. after a minute under the influence of active recovery, i still can gets all sort of emotional over things and events that are not going my way, but today, i do not have to let that carry me into the pits of lashing out and trashing the landscape, spiritually, physically or emotionally.
this morning as i wait for a possible test to the fixes i pushed up yesterday to a problem caused by the speed my boss is working to get his project back on track, i am certainly feeling impatient, as i want to get away from the computer and get some physical exercise under my belt. i know that i have a very small bit of power in this situation, so it is time for me to use what little power i do have and see if i can find an example, so far i have been unsuccessful in doing so. 😡 😭 because of the lack of test cases, i do believe i am going to get changed and head out into this very frosty morning and pound some steps. i do have a new sponsee to consider as i wile away the minutes, trotting around the indoor track. he has taken it upon himself to “work” the steps and at last night's meeting sort of ambushed me. taken by surprise, i agreed and perhaps that was the next right thing to do, time will tell, for right now, the next right thing is to get up and walk away, far away, at least emotionally and mentally for the world of computing, until i get my workout done. it is a good day to be under the influence of recovery.

∞ DT ∞