Blog entry for:

capable of joy and wonder, even on those days when the part of me i call addiction reigns supreme. of course the reading goes on to list a litany of **stuff** i could not do or feel, as i went deeper and deeper towards end-stage addiction, and that list is far from complete. looking at the **what is** this morning instead of the **what was** is certainly more of what i feel and hear this morning. before i start getting all yippie-skippy and trot down the primrose path, i do need to say that what is evident in my life today, is that much of what i now take for granted, was unattainable before i came to the rooms and surrendered to the program. the sense of belonging and completeness that i feel today, was not given to me, because i decided to go to a sh*tload of meetings or decided to hang out with addict in recovery. all that i have been given was a result of those two acts, as well as working steps, seeking a spiritual path and carrying the message to the still suffering addict whether that addict is the newest of the new or someone with decades clean. it often amazes me, how many of my peers seem to discount the latter and i take that characterization on myself, by thinking by this time in my recovery i “should” know better. the fact is, the longer i stay clean, the more i see i have to learn and the lesson i am learning lately is how to say yes and no at the same time.
i wrote over the past few days about my ambivalence about carrying a message to an addict who may still call me his sponsor. i shared about my decision to write a letter and when one of my peers, approached me after the meeting to offer his experience, strength and hope, i quickly shot him down and missed his message. in my TENTH STEP last night, it his suggestion and in my ears and i finally heard what he was trying to say, not what i thought i heard. by focusing on my feelings and reactions, i can set a boundary that is healthy and prevent an addict from closing down and walking away. i can restore some balance to this relationship and begin a new chapter without compromising who i am or shaming him into submission. the anger that i was feeling and doing my best to polish into a bright and shiny resentment, has melted away and although i can feel the burn of betrayal of my trust and the seemingly cavalier manner in which he acted, i no longer have to take on that shite. it is no longer a matter of forgiving him, his trespasses, but feeling my way to a new chapter in our ongoing relationship and carrying the message of HOPE, which will be delivered in a new medium for right now.
becoming spiritually more fit, is not all that unlike becoming more physically fit. i have to “exercise” spiritual principles. i have to look at myself in an honest and constructive manner, even when all i can see is “what is not.” i have to pay attention to my spiritual capabilities and when i am exhausted, take a break and allow the healing to happen. what i feel right now, is that as i exercise this morning and allow myself the freedom to be present for the physical activity, what i need to see and understand will become more defined and apparent. it is a good day to feel a bit of joy and wonder about where i am in the world and where i may be going.

∞ DT ∞