Blog entry for:

that what my peers, predecessors, closed-mouth friends and sponsor tell me about walking this path of recovery, did not come easily for me. even after a minute clean, there are still times when i sit down in a petulant and rebellious frenzy and ask why should i do what they are suggesting that i need to do. when i get into that state of mind, i do have to look at the suggestions i did not follow and evaluate whether or not the outcomes were ones that i considered desirable. that simple inventory usually shows me that by going my own way, i usually end up in a worse position than from whence forth i came. self-will and ignoring suggestions very rarely give me what i desire and if by some fluke it does, i usually see that i really did not want that after all. the irony of all of this, is that i really still do not know what is “good” for me, when i step out from my recovery program.
this morning i decided to sleep in and still do a longish walk. the end result was that i arrived after my home group meeting started. the room was jam-packed with newcomers and treatment fellows and i had to deviate from what i heard about turning trust into faith and share on a much more basic level. i also had to cut off one of those newcomers as they went on and on about the horrors of their active addiction. i talked to him quietly and personally after the meeting and told him his experience was valuable and to keep sharing, but to change his focus to what is and what may come, rather than what was. i certainly hope i got through to them and they understood what i was saying, but if i focus on what was and ignore what may be, i fall victim into believing that i might actually know more than i do.
what i DO know today, is that i am an addict, a garden variety addict that may or may not be sicker than others. i also know that for this addict, the program and the suggestions from those with whom i share my recovery, is invaluable and needs to evaluated and implemented, rather than dismissed out of hand. i have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide opportunities for me to get all i need and listening to those around me may be the vessel that POWER chooses. right now, it is time for a power nap and then on to the next tasks i have set for myself. it is a good day to be part of a fellowship that i can trust and upon which i have built my FAITH that no matter what, i am living the best life i possibly can live, just for today.

∞ DT ∞