Blog entry for:

just a drug problem, i arrived at the doors of the rooms, with a **ME** problem, that has been ever so slowly addressed by living a program of recovery. the fact of the matter is, i know many people who have remained abstinent for long periods of time, without living a program, and who seem happy and content with where they are in their lives. that is what it is, for me, even though i have lost my irrational fear of the relapse boogie man watching my every move and waiting for that microsecond i drop my vigilance to pounce and take me out, i am still dedicated to a program of recovery, just for today. the most serious part of my program of recovery is the just for today part. i have railed against those who “try” to live a program and those who use “progress, not perfection,” as their mantra for acting out and my latest little peeve, the “at least i did not use,” chant to make themselves feel better. in my ears, those all ring the bell of FAIL, over and over and over again. i am not a spiritual or recovery guru, although i used to play both on a daily basis. i am an addict who happens to be living a program of recovery and as a result, am becoming more than i ever imagined possible. when i fVck up or act out, as i do on a daily basis, i own it, make the amends i need to make and move along. i do not throw others under the bus anymore, nor try to hide my actions in a smokescreen of blame, rationalizations and excuses, and i believe i am better off for that. for some, as i stated above, they can stay clean and grow without a program, and i admire them for that fact, as i am more than certain is because of my recovery program and not despite it, that i am here today.

John Sh
a DECADE clean, WOW!
Miss you my friend.

i know i like to think my recovery is stronger than bumper stickers and trite clichés and yet over the past few days, i have heard myself using them over and over and over again, as i sit and listen to one of my newest peers, try to pull themselves out of the morass of self-pity, regret and self-abuse, that active addiction left in their lives. part of me flies back to those days, where i wallowed in a state of despair and unlike the addict i have been speaking to, i was not newly clean when i arrived there. the reason i take umbrage with the excuse making and the lowering of bar of success,as it was those were the very tools that allowed me to far too sick for far too long. i get the notion that a bit of spin keeps it me from hurting so bad, but for this addict, pain is still a motivator and often the only motivation i find to move forward.
am i grateful for having the structure that a recovery program, brings to my life? as much as i detest authority, conformity and a “nanny-state,” i find the 12 steps and all their attendant trappings are precisely what i need to find a better way to live. quite honestly, staying clean is no longer what this gig is all about for me, been there done that and have decided to do so again today. for me, and me only, my recovery program is what lifted me from that morass of self-pitying blame and angst and into a place where i can actually have some FAITH and some HOPE, that yes today i can be better than i was yesterday, if i choose to be. with that in mind, it be time to step out and head on over to my home group, after all this stuff does not work without my peers.

∞ DT ∞