Blog entry for:

wonder, and love to my life, was not what i expected when i got clean. in fact, i would have been one to say that i was joyful enough, just the way things were. it may have been true that i had little wonder and was incapable of giving and receiving love, but those were things that i did not believe i needed and was willing to trade away for just one more hit. only when i finally became a member and got over my “bad” did i realize what it was i was missing. it may seem that lately i have been stuck in a prison of misery of my unmet expectations and the new responsibilities of caring for my parents. i am, however, tired of playing a victim in this matter and it is time for me to reset my expectations and strive for the balance and serenity that i know can be mine.
that may be all nice and cheery, but what popped off the top of the stack this morning, was my concern about one of the men who calls me their sponsor. he is back in a “holding” pattern with our relationship, cancelling our weekly ZOOM meetings with one excuse after another and finally just not showing up last night. what i was left with, was acceptance that perhaps he is not ready to commit to this way of life. i “get” that, as i was more than a bit reluctant, back when i was at a similar crossroads. regardless of the many gifts i was offered, or at least i thought i was being offered, committing to a process that would upend my life was tough for me to swallow. in the end, what really mattered was once the blade of retribution from the justice system was gone, i realized that i had a different way to look at my life and be okay with what i found. there was more to living than just “getting by.”
as i prepare to step out into this frosty morning and get some miles under my belt, i can remember that recovery, with its trials, tribulations, gifts and enlightenment is a choice i made when i woke-up this morning. i have been making this choice for a minute or two and am grateful that i can emerge from the darkness and find a bit of joy in my life. choosing to deconstruct the prison of my self-victimization, is the path forward, at least just for today. tomorrow has yet to arrive and i GET to choose once again, whether or not i want to continue walking this path. right here and right now, i will let go of my parents and their needs, the recovery programs of the men who call me their sponsor and the external forces that are creating turmoil and strife in the “real” world and see how i can find some joy, wonder and love in my life today.

∞ DT ∞