Some memes

can **make** me do anything, i cannot make choices for others either. a bit of a dive into semantics here, others will attempt to make me do things and feel certain feelings, through manipulation, coercion, threats of physical or emotional violence or just plain whining until i give in and do what they wish me to do. even after all of that, it still comes down to me making a choice to do what they want, or continue to suffer the consequences they are inflicting upon me. having spent most of my adult life on the other side of that equation, i am grateful that recovery has given me the ways and means to short-circuit my behavior, that is make a choice, to act and allow others to decide on their own.
a year ago i was in a spot of attempting to “get” someone to wake up, smell the fucking coffee and get on with her life. the harder i pushed, the more excuses she came up with, finally landing on “depression” as her excuse of pushing off to the very last minute, the shit she needed to accomplish. whether or not it was reality or an excuse, the fact was, i was doing my utmost to get her to do what i wanted and she chose to defy me and do absolutely nothing. she had the opportunity to walk away with a nice stash of cash for living up to her agreements and yet she chose to wallow in her misery. i certainly do not agree with her choices and at the time let her know with extreme prejudice what i thought of her actions. in the end, i arrived at a spot that i was jubilant that she got out of my Mom's house and that i no longer needed to deal with her in any way. as sad as that is, i still choose to keep my distance as i am not sure i can be loving or kind, in any way, shape or form. perhaps, one day, i will be able to allow her back into my life, but that day is not anywhere on the horizon, yet.
this morning, what bubbled up from the deepest dark depths of the void was that i have yet to forgive myself for being on the wrong side of that equation, in my dealings with that using addict. how do i expect to ever forgive her for what she did, if i do not forgive myself for my actions and the choices i made when i dealt with her. another piece of my insanity puzzle was revealed to me and i am glad i did not write out my SECOND STEP assignment yesterday afternoon. it is also indicative that there may be one or two more little tidbits, yet to surface. it might, however, behoove me to write what i have uncovered and allow it to sit for a week before i declare to my sponse that i have done my assignment. things are certainly becoming more clear as the fog of denial lifts from my perception.
it is a great day to be alive, even though my work assignment is driving me to distraction. what i certainly need right here and right now is to cleanse my mind by the workout that is being suggested by my fitness tracker. i can CHOOSE to be okay taking direction. i can CHOOSE to rebel and refuse to do what is in front of me. i can CHOOSE to be lazy at work and i can CHOOSE to live a program of recovery. back in the day, i might have thought i was choosing, but the reality was that addiction mad all my choices for me. i rationalized away any concern that perhaps i was powerless over what the part of me i call addiction “made” me do. 😉 i am grateful that i have a different path to follow, just for today. 😎

∞ DT ∞