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and the crazy things in had done, although i did not realize it for almost thirteen months after coming to recovery. yes i am still on this kick. for some reason i keep coming back to those first days, and it is not even close to my clean date anniversary. there is some6thuing i need to finish working out here, and the only place i have to do so is this particular forum, as i can say anything and do not care who or what reads it. quite honestly, looking at those days from this comfortable seat in the here and now, i can see that those first months were not much different than active addiction for me. i still played whatever roles i need to play to fit in. my story was altered by minimizing certain events, feelings and behaviors, as well as fabricating those parts of my story that needed to be embellished so i could belong to the wrong fellowship. do not get me wrong, i fit their only requirement for membership, it was just that was not nearly enough for me. i also want to state in plain English, that it was not them that was the problem. that fellowship i am sure works quite well for alcoholics, i am not now, nor have i ever been, an alcoholic, although i did play one for those thirteen months of my early recovery. i am now, and always will be an addict PERIOD! that term does not need any qualification, PERIOD! accepting that fact is what keeps me in the rooms, as the desire to use drugs was lifted so long ago, that it is hard for me to remember what it felt like. although this may sound like a digression, it is just the long way to get to what i heard this morning, that i can be grateful that i found a home that was full of people just like me, who could and did understand me, exactly as i am, without embellishments and qualifiers.
this is the place, where i can be myself. this is the only place where when i share the thoughts and feelings that are going on in my head, there is someone who is there that understands what i am talking about, and may even be able to offer me some direction. where was i? of yeah, talking about getting what i need from the fellowship i am at home within. the greatest thing however, is that i hear the insane stuff my peers are doing and thinking, and i understand them. their experience in active addiction and in recovery is so similar to mine, that it amazes me from time to time, how fortunate i was that the POWER that fuels my recovery, kept me safe, until i was ready for recovery and not mere abstinence. what is even more amazing is that today i have the desire to get even more, and to carry the message that if you are not getting what you need than find another rooms. there is certainly one made just for you. anyhow, i am losing my focus, so i guess it is time to hit the streets, fight the wind and work off a bit of the nervous energy i have accumulated today. it is a great day to be clean and in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞