Blog entry for:

or **the craziest,** was not an attitude i walked in with, when i was getting clean. in fact i believed i was the most sane one in the room, and had a better grasp on my using than all of my peers. for me, the drugs still worked. for me, i had willingly traded away my **American Dream** so i could continue to use. all i had was a legal problem and not a **drug problem.** even after i was betrayed by my body and i was forced into a life of abstinence, that attitude of being **better** than everyone else, was far from squelched,. it was bad luck and an oppressive justice system that led to my downfall into the rooms. the irony of having to go to an virtual meeting every day, because i am just like my peers, does not escape me, even after a couple of decades clean.
i touch upon the fact of how long i have been clean, not to gloat, brag or separate myself, although it is certainly a measure that i could use, to do just that. no, for me, it is a reminder that these “classes” are helping to cope with the fear, frustration and anxiety that is fostered by the daily “bad” news that streams into my browser on an hourly basis. this addict is not handling the isolation of pandemic very well and is in a state of constant anger and rage, because i do not know what to do with my fear, frustration and anxiety. today i feel the “craziest” and possible the “worst” when i look around and compare myself to how everyone else seems to be “handling” this “broken” world.
so what do i do? i take a breath, i pound some concrete with or without the dawg and i allow myself the freedom to feel whatever it is i am feeling and take care of the little slice of reality i actually have some control of in my life. i get to stay clean, today. i have a job, i have my health, i am mostly sane and yes as anxiety ridden as i may feel, i can remember that they are only feelings and if i allow them to pass, i will survive and yes thrive, just for today. life in the Spring of 2020 may be permanently altered. staying clean may not feel like it is paying off. using may seem like a choice that is worth making. as true as all of that may seem in the moment those notions come down the pike, i also know that right here and right now, my best strategy is to hold on to what i have, make the adjustments to my life that need to be made and get my a$$ out on the pavement and make yet another meeting, that is, after all, where my “peeps” are today.

∞ DT ∞