Blog entry for:

troubled my thinking seems, it is up to me, to find the ways and means to reconnect with my peers and share what is going on. right from the start, i might have been able to find all the identification i needed to get clean and stay clean. right from the start i did my best to be unique and not fit in, even though i was more than certain that this fellowship was where i belonged. the longer i “different” the better my chances were of escaping a life based on twelve step recovery. since my goal was to get out as quickly as possible, keeping my distance by attending two fellowships, provided me the means to be unique and avoid the grip of any fellowship's welcoming members. that was then and these days i find myself often looking for something else when i go to meetings. the ironic part of that, is i have no clue what that “something else” may be.
as odd as that seems, it really is not that far out of the norm for me, as the story i crafted so carefully over the decades of my active addiction is based on the notion that i am different and somehow more than everyone else. i could fall back on the excuse that i am what i am and get over it. shifting the blame to society, bad genes or GOD, would quickly disperse any sense of unease i may have that something is not quite right. i am well versed in story telling and blame shifting to protect myself from what i FEAR change may bring. after all, who knows what change may bring to my oh so comfortable life? what i heard and feel this morning is that all my attempts to “prove” that i do not belong, including basing my worth and esteem on the opinions of others, have failed. i am not different, i am far from unique and i am certainly not broken beyond repair.
having lost direction on whee this may be going, must be my cue to wrap it up and hit the concrete to give myself and the dawg some steps and fresh air. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to actually live a program of recovery that transcends bumper stickers and clichés.

∞ DT ∞