Blog entry for:

... no not really, but i am bit off this morning so i had to throw in a bad joke.
identification with others in the rooms has been an area of concern of mine since i found recovery.
when i first got clean and was struggling to find recovery, i would use your experience with active addiction to set myself apart from you, i was not nearly that bad and i still had not traded everything away for that moment of relief. this mode of thinking set a pattern of thinking that kept me separate from others for a long time.
after i got recovery, i would use what i judged to be the ‘quality’ of your recovery to decide whether what you had to say had any bearing on my life. if i could find some small piece to disqualify you, i could disregard everything you had to offer, after all once again i was not nearly as BAD as you so once again you had nothing to offer. as i progressed through recovery i discovered that all i wanted was to find a loophole that would allow me to leave recovery behind with a clear conscience. i did not want to be part of the freak parade i perceived to be recovery and most of all, i desired to find a way to discount the idea that i had a progressive, incurable and fatal disease. setting myself up as superior allowed me to continue to look at the differences and ignore the similarities. thank GOD i had a sponsor that helped me to honestly inventory my defects of character and showed me that the smug feeling of superiority was actually a symptom of low self-esteem and self-loathing.
today, i have the ability to actually listen to what you are saying and feel the depth of your emotions and pain. i have developed a bit of empathy and can actually learn from the shared experience of those with whom i happen to be in a meeting with. i can actually find something to apply in my life from every member in attendance and when i find myself sliding back towards judgementalness, i know that once again i am not accepting you because for that moment i cannot accept myself, so the apparent symptoms lead to a course of treatment, and a return to doing those things that i NEED to do to stay clean today!
∞ DT ∞