Blog entry for:

the truth is, i left the meeting last night, quickly and without saying good bye to many of my friends and peers. the events of the previous twelve hours were certainly working me over and to hear very little of consequences at the meeting, did little to lift my spirits. it was like those who shared were trying to play “can you top this,𔄭 with only a bucket full of bumper stickers, bon-mots and clichés. for me, sitting there hearing the same old shares, being recycled once again, was too much and <BOOM> i was out of there. today i am no longer a victim of my addiction, so why should i allow myself to be victimized by my recovery? if i do not find living in a “ground hog day” inviting and enticing, guess who it is up to, to move out of the same old fVcking rut? i will provide a clue ➽ NOT my peers and my fellow members! a quick digression before i tie this little rant into the reading, the seed and a more spiritual path:

Nathan W
Five (5), count them years clean!
way to go my friend and KEEP COMING BACK!

so bringing back down to to Earth, what i heard this morning and how it relates to my experience last night, is an interesting little bit of sophistry, if i choose to wrap it up in a bit of spiritual camouflage. what it actually boils down to is, that my expectations were not met last night. the few shares that were of substance were drowned in the rest, and when i go to a meeting i want to hear about HOW my peers are implementing their recovery, not the same old whine or the repetition of verse of platitudes, designed to sound spiritual and serene. the problem is not theirs, they are just doing the best they can./ the problem is mine, and when i find myself at such a meeting, it would probably be a better idea for me to leave, instead of hanging out until one share or another meet my exacting standards, all the time listening less and critiquing more. what that behavior reminds me of, is way back when i was trying to pose my way to some clean time. back then, i certainly believed i was different and that this or any other program was NEVER going to make me any better. one thing, hanging around did for me, is to get me to accept that i was an addict. even with that admission, i was more than certain, that when my outside circumstances changed, i would be able to use again, this time in moderation, because i would have a few years of abstinence under my belt. i would have fit in perfectly last night, as i pitched my spiel about how great recovery was, how much i changed and how fVcking “blessed” i was to be recovering, just for today. the reality was, i was miserable in those days, but played a fairly decent rendition of being happy, joyous and free. i could sling the bumper stickers with the best of them and thought that was sharing my recovery. now that i look at it, it certainly was, my recovery in those days could be summarized by a slogan or two, because it went no deeper than that, at all.that was then and this is now, and apparently not a whole lot has changed, dammit all.
part of what my sponse and i talked about the other night, was turning off the autopilot in my recovery and making conscious decisions about my recovery in real-time. my attitude last night, certainly is driving that home this morning. as i wanted to say last night, if one wants to change, one NEEDS to stop whining about how fVcking stuck they are, and do something different. taking my own advice means that as the week rolls through and Tuesday comes up again, i need to decide if that meeting is one that i wish to attend on a regular basis. it seems no matter how i spin it, there is no “positive” outcome or way to find anything more than what is already being offered. it is really not a problem with perspective for me, it is a problem with expectations and mine will probably not be met, at that particular meeting. oh, well, this is not the message i seek, move along.
it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to live what i say. i can hear the “those people” rants rolling around in my head, when i want to hear “my peeps.” guess what? that means it is time for me to make a conscious choice and although i am not quite there yet, i see what my sponse was talking about, after all, i am no different and these really are my peeps, just for today.

∞ DT ∞