Blog entry for:

over the course of the past few weeks, i have accumulated a few new readers, due to me posting my updates on my Dad on Facebook. i am sorely tempted to pull back what i put out here and move into the world of vague references to notions and ideas that only those who are like me, will truly understand, making the most of the often cryptic language of recovery. it was a day that i once dreaded. regardless of that FEAR, i still kept posting on the internet and in social media and hid in “plain sight” as it were. what came to me this morning, as i sat and listened was why stop now? i have been doing this for nearly fifteen years and the body this work, is freely available to anyone who may choose to peruse the crazy things i have done, thought and been. if they get what i am talking about and are not part of the initiated, great. if not, well, for them there is always the ability to reach out and ask me, what it is i am doing these days. i do however, need to get to the “meat” of this work, which is finding a group of people that are like enough to me, that they understand who i am and what it is like to live in active addiction and active recovery.
i have not thought about using, over the course of my Dad's decline, but that does not mean i have not found more than one way to “change the way i feel.” i finally have arrived at the place where i see even rewarding myself by maintaining my fitness, can be a punishment as well. i have just come off a “light-ish” week of workouts, and after the 10K workout on Saturday, i have several new aches and pains that will preclude me from “hitting it” hard this week. in fact, i will need to step down my mileage and intensity for the next five days, so i can do another 10K on Saturday. as distressing as that may seem to me, i can also see that if i do not choose to take care of myself, i will not be able to make my goal of doing the mini Bolder Boulder on May 29th.
i also can see that i am not accepting my family members for who they are, right now, and punishing those who are not meeting my expectations. the fact of the matter is, for me the stick never worked to get me to change into something better. in fact, threats of punishment just made me more likely to figure out the ways and means to do what i wanted to do, on the down-low and get rewarded because i “got away with something, once again.” over the course of the next few days, i am going to look at my choices when it comes to the intolerable and do my best to respond, rather than react. what i may consider important and worthy of discussion and what someone else may deem important, are more than likely two entirely disparate notions. i do not need to always be right, even in my own head and when dealing with someone who does not grasp how to deal with being powerless, for one reason or another, i need to be kinder, and more compassionate, after all they do not have the support that i do, from all my fellow “crazies.”

∞ DT ∞