Blog entry for:

of being **the worst** or **the craziest.** this morning was one of those days, where it was very difficult to stop telling myself stories in my quiet time. i rehearsed and re-rehearsed my share for the meeting tonight, over and over again, until i just said FVCK IT and just forced myself to stop thinking. application of a bit of self-will allowed me the freedom to hear what i need to hear, ironically, more than likely, i will probably not even share at the meeting, this evening. that is just the way it goes from time to time.
before i get to involved:

Nathan W
CONGRATS on 3 years Clean.
Sorry for the front.
Thanks for sticking around
to see a miracle happen.

where was i? oh yeah the craziest, the worst, the different. well the different has been rearing its ugly head lately, due to how far away i have moved from the norm, in respect to my spiritual path. which reminds of yet another tangent i need to go down: To all my friends and readers who follow the Christianity,
“ have a blessed Easter.”
yes that is the problem. being naturally intolerant, more than likely as a result of my decades of active addiction, coming to the place, where i can see all spiritual paths as valid and undeserving of my judgement, has been a difficult journey. based on the latest headlines, i can see that intolerance is not something reserved for addicts, as there is religious and spiritual intolerance coming down the pike just about every day. more and more i am starting to feel that FREEDOM of religion, means FREEDOM from religion as well. that however is quite a different topic and one that i am not going to explore today.
so i have shared how i feel different because of my spiritual path. what i have been hearing is that all of that is okay, i need not be in the center of the metaphorical boat in this regard, as long as i am in, and all in. today, i am all in. i have FAITH that no matter what, i will be given whatever it is that i need to stay clean and most importantly advance my recovery. that whatever, may come from a source that is outside of my system of beliefs or even from outside of my recovery community, and it is up to me, to allow myself to be open to that whatever. i heard that this morning, when i finally could hear anything and i feel it right now as i write about how different i can make myself feel. the part of me i call addiction works to separate me from my community, as in isolation i can do whatever the fVck i want to do. that part of the whole, worked overtime to keep me separate and different during those first eighteen months and that effort has yet to cease, the only difference is that today, i have no desire to use. today i have the desire to be something more than the lowlife i walked into the rooms as. today, well today i can be kind, loving and tolerant, but i have yet to leave my house. the truth is, no matter how i find that spiritual connection, it is the connection and not what i wrap around it,m that is important. i do not, at least today, need the trappings of a religion and i do not need to walk down the path of Deism. today, as i have been told since the day i went to my first meeting, i am free to walk whatever spiritual path i choose, as long as i persevere and walk that path.
anyhow, it is a great day to be clean and to be writing and thinking of how i can recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞