Blog entry for:

service -> belonging.
i can state without any hesitation it was serving as the person who emptied ashtrays after my home group meetings, as disgusting as that position may have been, gave me a feeling of being part of something, way before i actually wanted to be a part of something. this morning as i sat and reflected on how i treat the newest members and whether or not i invite them into serving the fellowship in any manner, i had to wonder if i was inclusive or not. i know i have some serious reservations about the newcomer who has volunteered to set-up for my home group, especially after he was late for his very first service commitment. in this instance, i am going with the flow and allowing myself to honor the conscience of my home group and see what happens, even though it means showing up early to support his effort. quite honestly, there is nothing he can screw up. if by some chance he does find something that can be broken, it will not take much of an effort to fix it.
it is true, i have often scoffed at the notion of creating a ton of “make work” group level service positions, as i saw so many of the area level service positions that lacked even a warm body. as i sat this morning, contemplating that entry point, i can see that those seemingly useless positions do serve a purpose, they allow someone who may have never ever been able to commit to anything, an opportunity to make and fulfill a commitment. i can also see that those commitments can be a springboard into serving the fellowship as a whole, those clean ashtrays certainly were for me, way back when.
moving into the more recent past, i got an apology from someone yesterday that was totally unexpected. sure they made assumptions and got all sorts of bent when i said no. the only problem was after they said they were sorry they went into a song and dance about why they did what they did, or would have done so, if i allowed it. if i have learned one thing in recovery, it is when i am apologizing, if i start rationalizing and justifying as an addendum, i negate the whole thing and i am back at square one. why i did something may be something to discuss at a different time, if ever and is certainly not part of a sincere and proper apology. i have to accept that they have not quite “got” that notion in there head and do not realize that excuse only make them feel better, not the person to whom they are apologizing. certainly yet another learning opportunity for me so the next time i am called on to own my shit with an apology, i know that the next right thing to do, is to say i am sorry, mean it and amend my behaviors to minimize the chances of it happening again, just for today.

∞ DT ∞