Blog entry for:

or so clean, sometimes i feel that no one really understands me. when i get into that sort of morose thinking, it ends up that i feel no passion for my recovery, to serve my fellowship or allow others into my life. ironically, at least in my opinion, the problem is, that i have been doing this gig for quite some time and there really is not a whole lot of new ideas coming down the pike. i “get” why some of my peers need to take on newcomers as projects, or do a “ninety in ninety” every year, but for me, neither one of those options is palatable nor desirable. for me, i just have to muddle through the doldrums the best i can, living on the FAITH that if i keep doing the next right thing, for myself, i will rekindle the passion. sounds more than a little depressing and perhaps, as i continue down this path, i will find a rainbow in the end, hope i didn't just give away the ending.
it is certainly true that if one attends a meeting every day for ninety days, chances are one will hear everything this fellowship has to offer. couple that with living through a set of twelve steps and some hands on experience with the traditions through service, and new ideas become increasingly scarce. the bumper sticker slogans, that once provided sustenance are now tritely cliché. worst of all, every one is fawning over the FNGs and no one notices that those with time, who should “know” better, are separating themselves from the pack, because no one “gets” them any more. been there, done that and certainly got the T-shirt. sure staying clean no matter what is its own reward. there was going to be a big BUT there, but i decided against it. staying clean is its own reward, and even believing that does not diminish my DESIRE for something more. the fact that i want more, may be a clue that maybe, just maybe, i am not as “recovered” as i like to think i am. what i think is crazy today, is nothing compared to what crazy looked like, back in the day, and that is the problem. i am AFRAID that my nature of insanity will look like “first world problems” even if it feels as immediate as the overwhelming desire to use that characterized my first six months clean. i am of the opinion that when my peers leave the fellowship after a bit of time clean, it is because they can no longer identify and feel displaced by the line of newcomers that parade through the revolving doors to the rooms. i know that i certainly have felt that way, in fact, more than once i considered finding a different way to spend my life. it was not that i was building a case against the fellowship, it just feels if i am ignored and diminished at times and those who are best able to provide the experience, strength and hope i may need to keep coming back are lost in the fog of “helping the new guy.”
regardless of what anyone may tell me, it is nether pride nor hubris that feeds my desire to want recognition from an anonymous program. it is the example of what i see everywhere else. if one does volunteer work for a non-profit for twenty years, one gets recognized. work for the same company for a decade, and get rewarded with more paid time off and other perks. stay clean a decade or more? all one gets is a “keep coming back,” kind of response and for the most part, i can accept that, because i am grateful for being a part of something more. it is when the gratitude flies out the window, that the entitlement and doubts creep in and i wonder if i am just wasting my time here. it is when i get there, that i need to remember who i am, no i am not a collection of character defects that can be categorized by the seven deadly sins, or a refugee from the “mother” program. i am an addict in recovery, who has a bit of clean time, knows how to live a spiritual program and can be a bit grateful and open my mind to the notion that maybe, i will hear what i need to hear to stay clean, just for today. 🌈

∞ DT ∞