þ as i progress in my own recovery þ
Posted: Thu, Apr 5, 2012 07:52:46 AM
more often than i like to admit, i discover my thinking is still insane! after all, sanity has been and continues to be restored to me on a daily basis. so what is up? well first and foremost, i am still an addict, saddled with the human condition. i know the other 85% have bouts of insanity from times to time, and that is not even talking about those who have mental illness. on top of that, my life was 25 years of selfish, self-entitled, self-centered behavior on a 24/7 basis. for me to expect the consequences of living like that to be swept away in a few brief years, is a bit outrageous, or better put IN fVcking SANE.
as i learn to live this program of recovery, and trust me it is quite the learning process, i see more and more what it is that have deal with on a daily basis. learning to let go of my delusions of power. learning to be present in the here and now. learning that despite my best efforts, i am still an addict and subject to all the pitfalls that brings, has been difficult for me to accept as a task worth my time and attention. as i progress, it becomes easier and easier, and my life becomes richer and fuller, and yes i get less insane and am less subject to bouts of total nutzdom.
my current brand of insanity? that i can somehow be GENUINE, WHOLE and SELF-AWARE, with part of my past locked up so tightly that i NEVER want to let it go. after all, who will i be if i explore the emotional pain and trauma that those purposefully forgotten days hold. if i am obtuse to what is in there, how can it possibly affect me. so what if i am still so pissed off at a whole town that just thinking about those people, still cause my blood pressure to rise. after all, i have survived with this resentment and that time buried for nearly 40 years, why does it matter now????
the key here is SURVIVE. today it is insane for me to believe that i need to merely survive my time on this side of the dirt. this program gives me the means to THRIVE and GROW and i can only get that here. do not misunderstand, i really have not tried other paths to where i am, and as onerous as this path may seem, i am quite pleased with the current end result. the best part is, that it is only here, that i have found a group of people that think, react and act just like i do and did. when the member shared last night that alcohol was not his problem and that he saw nothing wrong with a margarita at dinner, i understood that form of insanity, as i have often told myself that COULD be the case for me as well. when a sponsee tells me that he is seeking a different path, regardless of how well this one may be working, i get that idea as well. here they know me and how i am. a different place and path will allow me to reinvent myself, which i was good at back in the day. there i may be able to get away with a ton of sh!t that is not possible in the program i am working today, the members here, call me on my sh!t and expect me to be accountable as well. thinking that somewhere else may be easier and softer is just another dip into my standing pool of insanity and today i can find a different way to live.
so my insanity really is all relative, and with that in mind i will post this and move into my day.
as i learn to live this program of recovery, and trust me it is quite the learning process, i see more and more what it is that have deal with on a daily basis. learning to let go of my delusions of power. learning to be present in the here and now. learning that despite my best efforts, i am still an addict and subject to all the pitfalls that brings, has been difficult for me to accept as a task worth my time and attention. as i progress, it becomes easier and easier, and my life becomes richer and fuller, and yes i get less insane and am less subject to bouts of total nutzdom.
my current brand of insanity? that i can somehow be GENUINE, WHOLE and SELF-AWARE, with part of my past locked up so tightly that i NEVER want to let it go. after all, who will i be if i explore the emotional pain and trauma that those purposefully forgotten days hold. if i am obtuse to what is in there, how can it possibly affect me. so what if i am still so pissed off at a whole town that just thinking about those people, still cause my blood pressure to rise. after all, i have survived with this resentment and that time buried for nearly 40 years, why does it matter now????
the key here is SURVIVE. today it is insane for me to believe that i need to merely survive my time on this side of the dirt. this program gives me the means to THRIVE and GROW and i can only get that here. do not misunderstand, i really have not tried other paths to where i am, and as onerous as this path may seem, i am quite pleased with the current end result. the best part is, that it is only here, that i have found a group of people that think, react and act just like i do and did. when the member shared last night that alcohol was not his problem and that he saw nothing wrong with a margarita at dinner, i understood that form of insanity, as i have often told myself that COULD be the case for me as well. when a sponsee tells me that he is seeking a different path, regardless of how well this one may be working, i get that idea as well. here they know me and how i am. a different place and path will allow me to reinvent myself, which i was good at back in the day. there i may be able to get away with a ton of sh!t that is not possible in the program i am working today, the members here, call me on my sh!t and expect me to be accountable as well. thinking that somewhere else may be easier and softer is just another dip into my standing pool of insanity and today i can find a different way to live.
so my insanity really is all relative, and with that in mind i will post this and move into my day.
∞ DT ∞