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recovery is available to me as well, was quite a leap of faith, way back when. i was certain that this was not for me and spent the entire time between the day i got clean until i reached a point of desperation, trying to prove that point. it is ironic that here i sit on the Hi-Line after being up since 4 AM this morning, finally typing this out, when once upon a time i would have never ended-up in Montana for all the tea in China. i was too busy getting and using and finding the ways and means to get more, to get off my ass and be somewhere to give a bit of moral support to the family i found after i got clean. one of the gifts of recovery is my ability to see where i may need to be and actually show up. my niece may accuse me of being cold, heartless and “hating” this family. she has no clue and is a master at projecting motives on me, based on her faulty perceptions, self-obsession and her continual martyrdom. i know what and who i am and the only reason that i know that is because i stopped using long enough to wake up to what is really going on in the world. the truth is i am down to two uncles out of six and it has been my mission to spend as much time with them as i can, while they are still on this side of he lawn.
sitting here this evening, paying attention to what am feeling, i know that i am exactly where i need to be. i could find out the truth about why my Mom refused to ever come back up here, but to what end? i already know who she was especially when she was “in her cups.” i am not here to find more ammunition to refuel my resentments. no, i am here to be a part of saying farewell to my Uncle Dick. i am here to connect with my family and be a part of their process of letting go. i am here to represent my brothers and sisters and let my cousins, aunts and uncles know that they are respected and loved. regardless of what they may think of my Mom and her past behaviors, i know that my actions stand on their own and have certainly allowed me to be part of my Montana family.
what i never believed was possible for me, is now just what i do auto-magically. i no longer have to consider what my family thinks of me or if they respect me. the days of covering up who i am are over. working to clean-up the missteps of others is also no longer my concern. i am here for myself and glad that i can be a part of the family i believed was unreachable and unattainable for me.

∞ DT ∞