Blog entry for:

i am learning to take whatever actions are necessary and to leave the results in the care of a HIGHER POWER. one of my favorite activities, it sometimes seems, is to make plans for all of the ‘what-ifs’ that may be coming down the pike. i am one of those type, no not an addict silly, that is a given, no i can be one of those who sees a million little possibilities, and tries to plan for every permutation of my plans as i see them in this instant. of course, once this instant has passed, then i have to reevaluate and re-plan accordingly, taking into account all the new information i now possess. this cycle of looking, identifying, reevaluating and altering, can be and is exhausting, and as a result, when i am trapped in it, i actually get nothing done, and that too gets fed intro this infinite hopper, adding to the load of events that i am trying to force to an outcome i prefer. when i happen to stop, catch my breath and feel what is going on in my life, this sort of behavior is a symptom of me living in self-will. which quite neatly brings me back to the part of my step work that is now languishing in my desk.
what is it exactly about FAITH and TRUST that i have an issues with, anyhow? i mean the THIRD STEP does not require me to have in FAITH in any sort of human agency, nor do i have to trust anyone else, or even myself. the preponderance of the evidence is that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery and events work out the way they are supposed to, and they have never been detrimental to me in the long run. still i find myself slipping back into to plan, evaluate, manipulate and repeat mode, more often that i like to admit. for me, these sort of readings are a reminder that living in FAITH that i CAN handle what may be coming to my life has not been anything i have come to regret, YET! neither has my trust in the POWER that fuels my recovery ever been abused. still i find myself struggling to practice these spiritual principles, back-sliding into an explosion of self-will. what is it i need today, i mean seriously. yes i could be richer, better looking and younger, but all of that is truly irrelevant to living in active recovery. what i really NEED is the means to stay clean today, and the desire to be present to HEAR what direction the POWER that fuels my recovery is suggesting i go. the real difficulty of living in a spiritual manner in this materially mundane world, is that ii forget what i really need, and how i got here, to this place, to this time. i did it one day at a time, living up to the spiritual principles of this program of recovery to the best of my ability, in the here and now. yes my FAITH may lag. yes i may spin in self-will, justifying it with all sorts of insane lies. in the long run, however, there is only a single path for me that will fulfill my wildest dreams, that of active recovery. so the path of FAITH is the one i will try and follow this morning. it is true, that there may be a hard freeze tomorrow night. it is also true that i just got water back into my sprinkler system. so what the fVck am i going to do? we;ll i could live in FAITH that the water will not freeze and just close my eyes to that possibility. OR i can, drain back the outside valves and loosen the drains, so that IF the water decides it wants to freeze tomorrow night, wit will have the room necessary to expand. for me, i do not believe that taking these precautions are that heinous, and it will certainly let me sleep a bit easier. i do not think that is living self-will, but i do believe i am being present for what is happening in the world, and taking the steps i need to take. which reminds me, that i NEED to take my circular journey around the neighborhoods, so that i can do what i need to do, to be that much more physically fit as well.it is a good day for me to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of me.

∞ DT ∞