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monkeys fly out of my ass, as i have heard more than one of my peers exclaim, when they hear themselves going on about the possibilities that may exist in the uncertain future. i myself have fallen back to that phrase when i catch myself worrying about what may come. planning for the future and obsessing about the various paths the future may take are really two separate actions. my job, today anyhow, is to make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy, in my just for today, sort of world.
so i had an interesting bracket to my day outside the house, yesterday. other than being pissed at spilling my favorite coffee beverage all over the floor of my car, i got to face, head-on an major example of my intolerance and provide a bit of direction to one of my peers, how they may wish to deal with someone. it is true, because of the fires and destruction created in the past, i may be far from objective in evaluating how much someone is truly being honest, especially when it is trust involved. when i speak of another, it is true, that what i say, is certainly colored with my bias and prejudice, that is a fact of life. when i answering a concern about them, i need to tread lightly about sharing my judgements, whether or not they are based on valid evidence from the past. when i do not trust someone, at least these days, i shut down and give them very little to protect myself from the “what if” they have not changed at all. that is my reaction to the evidence of the past and immediately forces me to look for ulterior motives and seek the worst possible explanations for what i observe them doing in the here and now. in my mind's eye, i have already set them up for failure and relapse and am “protecting” myself for the inevitable crash. the story i tell myself is one of self-preservation and harm reduction. the problem is, when i believe that story, i am apt to propagate it, through my overt actions towards the person about whom the story is all about. that behavior is far from healthy and is certainly one of the many items that seem to comprise the unmanageable state of my life. monkeys just may be flying out of my ass, after all❗
moving on, i am quite certain that revealing that story may at least give me the FREEDOM from infecting others with it. what i see as my task today, is to examine that story and see if i can find the means to at least start to dispel it, after all, that is what i would like, if i was the main character. am i overly concerned about my time behind the windshield today? not so much. if i keep what power i have and allow myself the FREEDOM to be defensive as i proceed on my journey today, i will have done my best work. one gift of having a fitness tracker on my wrist is that i now see that when i start driving, my pulse quickens, indicative of the stress i feel behind the wheel. perhaps, today, i can practice a calming technique or two and see if i can keep my stress levels down. it is certainly worth a try and i certainly have nothing to lose in making that attempt and perhaps a whole lot to gain, if i am successful. it is a great day to be clean and i need not wonder which of the many scenarios i generate in my head will come true, as right here and right now, i can go with the flow and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞