Blog entry for:

without fretting about **what if,** does not mean living in an oblivious bubble, allowing the events of each day to wash over me. it means making plans for a contingency or three and then letting go of the results. i do have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide me the opportunities to get everything that i NEED and perhaps a few things that i want. in fact, i have given up trying to predict what direction the idiocracy that surrounds me these days, is going to take. learning to roll with the punches of the latest crazed conspiracy theory and its consequences on what used to be sane and rational human beings, is just part of livin' la vida loca, today.
i am still trying to come to terms as to why someone would continue to try and approve of what i do, even though i have explicitly said i neither desire or require their approval. i guess i just need to accept that they feel they need to throw their time and attention down that black hole, for whatever pay-off they may get. maybe, it is my overzealous attention to that detail that is providing what they want, or feel they need. i guess the pay-off i am getting, is i get to fuel my self-righteous indignation and chalk up one more sin against me. my whole martyr mode kicking into full gear, even though i have come to loathe flagellating myself into an emotional bloody pulp. perhaps as i walk around the 'hood today, i can get a sense of well-being and release, as is often the case.
the other topic that popped off the stack, as i listened to quiet inside this morning, was my fear of losing my job because of the corporate geeks taking away the task at hand. what i am lacking is perspective. their help and guidance will allow my team, me included. to m ore quickly get our task out to our clients. there is nothing i can do about stopping them from providing the standard “corporate” response, so it is my task to learn what i can and move ahead with my work, as if i really will be at this same position in five months. resistance is certainly futile in this case, and fuming and fretting over it, will not help me sleep any better or be less testy and irritable. accepting this as the done deal that it is, will in the long and short term make me a more valuable member of the team and build my technical skills, for the next position on my horizon. i am okay living in that paradigm, just for today.

∞ DT ∞