Blog entry for:

with what is, rather than living in the FEAR of what may come, is a great exercise for this addict today. this morning, i am starting to wonder where the heck i am going and how i am going to deal with this whole new **normal** way of life. the recruiter i spoke with yesterday, has not returned with a preliminary interview appointment, i got slapped down by the dev team for the work i had done, which may be exactly what the client wanted and i am concerned that the dawg is not eating because she is constipated. all in all, not a very hopeful past twenty-four hours. all of a sudden, i am feeling anxious about what may come, instead of living in the here and now. well maybe it is not “all of a sudden,” it probably has been a gnawing feeling that finally surfaced, so i could identify what is going on. what i NEED to do and what i WANT to do, are nor the same path this morning, as i want a bit of control and lack the means to get that.
as i sat in the meeting yesterday, the first symptoms of my creeping malaise were revealed to me. i was flat-out intolerant of one of my peers using the terms, “sober” and “sobriety.” that particular meeting has a clarity statement and the peer who used that “profane” language, is not a newcomer, all the more reason to raise my ire. i also felt myself being bothered by a weekly call with a friend and peer. generally i enjoy speaking with them about what is going on in our lives and relating it to our ongoing recovery. yesterday i felt like a victim, projecting their lack of willingness to adapt to the virtual fellowship as an imposition on me and my time. both of these “events” speak to something that is going on with me and has nothing to do with them. sheltering in place is starting to wear me down and i am looking for a scapegoat or three to blame it on, that has nothing to do with COVID-19.
returning my thoughts to what is, there is a walk coming up in my near future and that is always an activity that clears me head. the dawg did poop this morning, so maybe she is just reacting to our exercise romp the other morning. it has been less than 24 hours since i spoke to the recruiter and the dev team is holding on tightly to what they have, as their jobs will be gone long before mine. all things considered, i guess that i can let go and allow the world to spin as it will. i also can be grateful for what i do have and demonstrate a bit of FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery. yes i want to be free from my current job, but i do not want to be free, without a new plan in place. yes i want to walk back into the rooms to meet with my peers, face-to-face. most of all, i want a clue or two about how to move forward in the post-pandemic world that is being revealed on a daily basis. distractions are not the answer i seek, just for today, perhaps i can let go, pay attention and walk into this day, with a bit of FAITH.

∞ DT ∞