Blog entry for:

more comfortable with what is. quite honestly i cannot really ever remember a time in my life where i was more comfortable with the what is, than i am right now. even long before i used,, i would play out all sorts of “what if,” scenarios in my head, all day long. okay i am back, after a quick trip through FaceBook, i am at this again.
as i was saying, before i distracted myself, i have always lived in the world of “what ifs” it seems. it was only after i got clean and was working my third set of steps, that i started to get a clue i was missing out on life, because i was so concerned about having ALL of my bases covered and plans for every outcome i could possibly imagine. when i think back on that, it is little wonder that meditation, even when i practiced it diligently was something i could struggle to do for five minutes and not one second more. how can one be quiet, when there are so many possibilities to plan for, even the most improbable❗❔
as i began to focus on the journey that is my life, rather than on the destination, tomorrow and beyond, i started to feel something more than the general anxiety that i had become accustomed to over the course of my life. the new normal, as it were, became living a life based on FAITH, rather than FEAR. that does no0tr mean i stopped making plans and considering the future outcomes of the decisions i make, that would be as ridiculous as living in the world of “what if” that i came from. no, learning to balance expectations, considerations and staying in the present tense, took me a bit of time and i still suck at it, most of the time. the good news is, if one is looking for symptoms of living in the here and now, when i meditate, it lasts for way longer than those five minute sessions i laboriously eked out, that were once the bane of my existence.
the irony of this whole journey has been, that once i stopped future fVcking myself, i actually became a whole lot more secure in who i was and where i was going. as i became more aware of what is happening in my life, being less anxious became routine and it became easier to be more focused on the here and now, rather than the plethora of “what ifs,” which reduced the omnipresent anxiety, just that much more. a feedback loop, i find desirable and one that i might even call “positive.” i think i have reached the end of what i am feeling and have to say about this today. i am quite sure, that if i considered for a minute more, i could throw in a few twisted clichés or bon mots, but i think i will just say, it is a good day to live in the right now and let go of all of my “what ifs.”

∞ DT ∞