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i become less fearful of **what if** and more comfortable with what is. so what if i had not closed the tab that i was writing this entry on and posted the blog i had written? what if i was not out running instead ow rewriting this, going down another direction, what if i had never used and become an addict? what if i was born a member of the 85%? and on and on and on, the final question being what if monkeys fly out of my a$$!
i reality none of that happened, or more than like will happen, i will use again UNLESS i take steps to prevent that. no matter how long i stay clean, i will never magically switch to the other 85% of humanity who are not addicts. and monkeys WILL probably never fly out of my a$$!
living in the fantasy world of wondering what if, pieces of my past had never happened is counter-productive, as i am a product of all those experiences, decisions, traumas and dramas. and yet, even today, with a few days in row plied up, i still go back there very now and again. is that lack of FAITH? maybe. what i really think it is, is that part of me i call addiction, living in the fantasy world i created for myself in my period of active addiction, after all, one of the benefits of being an active addict, is that i was who i was, when i needed to be, to get what i needed, whether it was preppy jock, or dark and cynical anarchist, and i played both of those roles well. while i have focused on the world of ‘what if’ of my past, the reading was more focused on that world of the future tense. before switching gears, and dealing with that aspect, it is important for me to say, that as bad as all of this sounds, active recovery has brought me to a point where understanding is becoming tolerance which with practice becomes acceptance. i know the fantasy world of ‘what if’ protected me from the real world and allowed me to survive long enough to reach the point of desperation, where recovery was an actual option i could choose.
looking at the future and trying to make plans for my life and set some goals, i can also get caught up in the world of ‘what if’. here the real trap is, not doing because i live in the FEAR of ‘what if’! there is that old saying that if you want to hear GOD laugh, make plans. so of course, with that bromide running through my head, how can i do anything but live in FEAR and WORRY, what if it is not GOD's will for me, what if it is not the right time. what if, i cannot compete, or what if i find it too hard not to use. and so much more, when i let myself travel that road. nowhere does it say in out program that i am not to make plans, set goals, take the steps necessary to allow my dreams to come true. my definition of the POWER that fuels my recovery does not allow for capriciousness. if i listen to my heart and to what bi hear in my quite time of meditation and contemplation during my day, very rarely will my dreams be denied, my plans thwarted or progress towards my goals be blocked. it really is as simple as that, do the right stuff and i get what i NEED and even what i WANT from time to time. maybe not right now, like the part of me i call my addict may desire, but when i am supposed to. GOD does not move mysterious ways, the WORLD is not just a set of random chance events, there is some order and that border is far beyond my ken. i can accept that today and move forward, not having the knowledge is not the same of ignorantly stating what a mystery life is.
do i have inside knowledge of what will happen in 10 minutes, 1 hour, 12 hours, tomorrow? no not really, except that if nothing changes, i will be running 10K in ten minutes, it will take me over an hour to complete my workout, 12 hours form now i will be winding down for the evening and tomorrow i will wake up, make the choose whether or not, i will use, and take the actions necessary to implement that decision. it really is that simple when i am wake in the present and allow myself to live in the FAITH, that i can act according to the will of a HIGHER POWER and thrive in this life. so it is time to hit the streets and see how far i can run this morning, and quite honestly, IF monkeys fly out of my a$$, you all will be the first i let know.

∞ DT ∞