Blog entry for:

with FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery.
vacation was great and i know that i have to return to work, and yet, there is a hesitation in my step as i move forward into getting into work. there is no FEAR, just a longing to take a few more days off, BUT get paid for them. ah, the whole something for nothing paradigm, i used to think was so special, just rearing its ugly head. of course i am going to pound this out and then i am going to shower and shave and head on over to Boulder to work at a job i really like, bur that does not mean i cannot whine a bit before that, and if you so desire, cut the cheese to accompany the whine.
the future? i mean what the heck, this is supposed to be all about just for today and not tomorrow at all. that is one of the loopholes, i once thought i discovered. yes i live in the here and now, BUT in reality, i have to make more than a plan or two, to live in the real world. what i do not do is expect outcomes from those plans, and make contingent plans accordingly. which now sounds like i am locked in on a single track. man what a sticky subject! okay, working from there, yes i have to make plans and even a Plan B to survive in the real world. yes i even have to practice a bit of “WHAT IF” scenarios. what i do not have to do, and what i heard this morning as i listened after the reading, was i do not have to live in the obsession of trying to make the plans i make, turn out the way i want them to. it is true, for the most part, when i say i am going to do something,. i have the ability to do so. things such as mowing the lawn after work tonight, watering and adding some supplements to help it green up even more. that is a plan. perhaps there will be a meteor strike or the a general disruption of normal life on a planetary scale, and i will not be able to do so. well no big deal, i will go with the flow and adjust my actions to the circumstances i find myself in, when i return home this afternoon. that is life in the here and now. when i was out there, in active recovery, i worked hard to get what i needed to get, making plans, and plans and plans to fulfill my basic need,. of getting high right now and having enough to get high for the rest of my waking day. the hours wasted on phone calls, showing up and waiting and just plotting and planning, is more than astounding this morning, as i think back. how i ever got anything else done, amazes me today. the program i do my best to live by, has removed that obsession from my life, and allows me the freedom to make plans, and if necessary alter them to fit the emerging circumstances, which this morning happens to be that i am running late and it is getting close to the time i need to be heading over to the office. there is no “WHAT IF” running through my head, just my desire to get to the job i am paid for, do the best i can to get back to the work at hand and be the best employee i can be this morning. the rest of my plans? well if given the opportunity i will stop by the cigar shop on the way home this afternoon, mow and feed my lawn, spend some time with the woman i love, get a bit of side work done and maybe watch a bit of mindless television, before going to bed tonight. the reality? well that has yet to be determined and i am good with that as well, just for today.

∞ DT ∞